Today God plowed over me. Over my rationalizations of sin, over my pride and secret hubris. I say plowed because it fits. A plow takes soil that is deep in the ground, and turns it over so that it is on top, plows dig deep into the soil to do this. Things I had "hidden" God today showed me that He had always known about. And he put it out in the open for me to look at. It was just like God had opened my inward eyes, and I didn't like what I saw.
I saw a bright young man, who hides behind his intelligence because it has been his crouch ever since he was an extremely awkward pre-teen. I saw a young man full of regret for doing the right thing, because it was more difficult than the status quo. I saw my sin. Well, my sinsssss. Plural. Ow. I saw how I rationalized them, explained them away to myself, and continued doing them. It stung. When I was a kid I was stung by a hornet on my head, and this felt pretty similar, except this shrunk my head instead of swelling it like a balloon!
I'm nowhere near becoming the man I want to be, the man I know I can be. I've called myself a skeptic for so long because I thought it made me sound edgy and cool, and I would openly question people who I knew didn't have an answer, I was so full of myself that my foot was in my mouth and I didn't even know it.
I am a man of faith. I have doubts, but everyone does. I won't focus on the doubts, although I will continue to seek answers to my questions. I'm not shutting my eyes, I'm opening my mind. I can't escape God. I thought I had stopped running, but I just used different tactics. I won't be afraid to be pious anymore, the way I was when I was young, I'll just use more wisdom and discretion about it. God has called me to obedience and to be accountable, and it's difficult to obey when you keep asking questions to avoid obeying.
I recently shaved my head. Which is great because my head is kind of lumpy. The top kinda slips to the left. After I shaved my hair off, I left the mirror, and when I came back I scared myself. I literally jumped when I saw my reflection. I didn't recognize myself. "WHO IS THAT BALD GUY IN THE MIRROR AND WHY IS HE LOOKING AT ME?!" But it was me. And today I looked in the mirror, and scared myself. I didn't recognize the person I saw. I'm not where I want to be. I am not who I want to be; but I will be. It's about growth, and growing, not perfection. I'm growing somewhere.
Post Script :
The "Growing Somewhere" comment is extremely cheesy, but it fits. : )
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