Say Anything(Why you should communicate now)

"Mothers and children, lovers, husbands and wives, who had a few days previously taken it for granted that their parting would be a short one, who had kissed one another good-by on the platform and exchanged a few trivial remarks, sure as they were of seeing one another again after a few days, or at most, a few weeks, duped by our blind human faith in the near future and little if at all diverted from their normal interests by the leave taking-all of these people found themselves, without the least warning, hopelessly cut off, prevented from seeing one another again, or even communicating with one another." Albert Camus, The Plague

While reading The Plague, a few passages really caught my eye. I lost an Uncle who I loved dearly in 2009. Every time I was with him I enjoyed his companionship so much, and yet I we rarely really communicated, and I regret that every time I remember him. Now, when I see my parents I try to drink everything in, I try to communicate with them what's going on in my life, and whenever I hug them good-bye, I pretend that it is for the last time. Those hugs last a little bit longer. When death hangs it's curtain, there is no more communicating. Do and say what you need to now. This sense of urgency will not betray you, although it may reveal weak relationships for what they are.

I wonder how often do we communicate with one another? And by communicate I don't mean the way we provide others with the fallen, broken branches from our great trunk of brain activity to those who ask, "How are you?" and we always lie in our reply, "I'm good." Parents ask their kids, "How was school today?" This is a perfect example, this question that doesn't really want an answer. It is completely formulaic, and so is the answer to it, "Fine." It is just a formula we use. We don't really want to know what they did at school. It just seems like the caring thing to do. Such "thinking" is thoughtless, and very often leads in the opposite direction of communicating. We assume, often correctly, that we will see a person "the next time" or "tomorrow". But those opportunities don't always come.

The most dangerous threat to communication is not silence, silence can mean so many things. If you kiss someone, and they keep trying to carry on conversation, of course that tells you they really don't want to kiss you. But if they are silent, well, that's all the communication you need! *Kids don't kiss until you're married ok? : p * Silence is communication. The threat is false communication. Lobbing words as if they were pebbles and you were trying to fill the ocean with them. We speak to one another about things we don't really care about, and call it communication. Granted, there is a time where we get comfortable with someone by engaging in small talk, but we take it too far and forget to engage one another. When was the last time you had a conversation where you divulged secret thoughts that you think perhaps no one else has? When did you take time to really explain yourself and let the emotions that stem from your thoughts get past the surface? Relationships die because of this doesn't happen.

What if someone you had a (supposedly) deep relationship with died? How much would be left unsaid, undone? How painful would the memories be because of what you had NOT done? How painful would the memories be because of what you HAD done? If we kept questions like these in the fore of our mind our relationships would be so much deeper, stronger, healthier, and all around enjoyable.

"In normal times all of us know, whether conscious or not, that there is no love which can't be bettered; nevertheless, we reconcile ourselves more or less easily to the fact that ours has never risen above the average. But memory is less disposed to compromise." -The Plague

I do not want ordinary friendships, or normal love. I set the goal high in order to avoid a life of regret. I want to love my wife out of my own will, because once the emotion passes, that is all you have. If she is not my best friend, if I cannot reveal my deepest, dumbest, most humiliating thoughts to her and likewise with her, our relationship will be like a mud puddle. That is, the depth will only be an illusion of the reflection, but I don't want the reflection of the sky, I want the sky. Real communication creates a safe place, and safe people as well. You can't communicate with everybody, some places and people demand common sense replies. But in close relationships, communicate.

Don't compromise when you can communicate. Say anything; or at least, begin there.

Dying

Have you ever wanted to die? Life just seems to take so much, I find myself wondering what death has to offer.

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause – there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of disprized love, the law’s delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment,
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. Soft you now,
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

- "The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark".

Courtly Love, alias, The Game and Reconciliation With It.

In the south of Medieval France a new sort of human relationship was born, courtly love. It is a highly conventionalized sort of love between a married noble woman and a knight; this love was regarded as noble passion and in theory was unconsummated. Courtly love is made up of two parties, the lover, who some call the idolizer, and the mistress of his affection, often she is already married. The idolizer seeks to win his chosen ladies' approval by brave deeds and passing tests to prove his mettle and love. He tries to make himself worthy, realizing that she has no true need for him, she is independent of him. I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T as the rap song says. Indeed, throughout courtly love we see men putting women in a position of power over them, at least in word. They adopt the language of Feudalism, calling their mistress their "lord", proclaiming themselves her "vassal". Often the wife of a Lord had responsibility of the manor house or castle whenever he was away, and this could be frequent depending on conditions, season, and campaigning. Many such wives would have powerful positions, financially and culturally. Such a woman was a prize, and winning her, even if only for an emotional affair, was perhaps it's own reward. The chase was the mean and the ends.

"...they(unmarried sons of nobility) had no problems at all finding outlets for their lust among the many prostitutes, servants, and bastards associated with any great household or among the peasantry, whose daughters they could force to submit whenever they pleased. But such prey was too easy. Glory belonged to the ingenious knight who managed to seduce and possess a woman of quality(http://employees.oneonta.edu/farberas/ARTH/arth214_folder/courtly_love_.html retrieved 3/15/2011)."

However, "courtly love from the start is deceptive in its insistence that the woman has power and control and the man is subservient. And later, once the rose is plucked, the game will be over(http://www.wsu.edu/~delahoyd/medieval/rose.html retrieved 3/15/2011) ."

That is "The Game", when in earnest it is seduction-as-Play, but in casual situations it is flirting. It is not a bad thing, it is a human thing, and even those who detest "The Game" the loudest have played it without knowing it. There is no winning in this game, there are, or course, conquests, both emotional and sexual, but to see these as "winning" is to adopt an extremely shallow view of winning. Of course we all know Charlie Sheen is an "unemployed winner", so perhaps the definition of "winning" is being re-worked(#TigerBlood).

Similarities between Courtly Love and "The Game" can easily be seen in a list of stages of Courtly Love put down by Barbara Tuchman:

• Attraction to the lady, usually via eyes/glance
• Worship of the lady from afar
• Declaration of passionate devotion
• Virtuous rejection by the lady
• Renewed wooing with oaths of virtue and eternal fealty
• Moans of approaching death from unsatisfied desire (and other physical manifestations of lovesickness)
• Heroic deeds of valor which win the lady's heart

It is a merry chase. But what's to be done when the chase ends? Therein lies the rub. You go fishing, but really you wanted a hamburger, not a filet-O-fish; "...once the rose is plucked, the game will be over." Perhaps that is why so often it was unrequited and remained always a merry chase.

I have no beef with "The Game". You play at your own risk, although it doesn't have to be an unpleasant thing, some just make the mistake of taking it seriously. And that is exactly my issue with it. "The Game" is not a relationship. Obviously, it can lead to a relationship, but a merry chase is an attempt at connecting. But relationship is a way of bonding. Chances are, you will have to play "The Game". Be sure to keep your guard up, remember, it is not a relationship. It isn't a time of true trust, it is a fencing match, a war of wits even. This is not the time to reveal the real you completely, that is for a relationship. The problem is that we confuse "The Game" for relationship in my opinion. Someone expresses (the slightest) interest in us, and *BANG* we are in. We think we are in the beginning stages of relationship, when in reality, we are just in "The Game". Huge difference. Be wary of those professionals, "Gamers". They know all the rules, and often do not realize they are not engaging in communication in relationship, but only interacting with other potential mates via "The Game". These aren't bad people mind you, they are perhaps people who don't know how to act when someone gives them their heart after three phone conversations. Can't blame them for that. Help yourself by learning the rules of "The Game" and keeping in mind the difference between relationships and "Gaming". If you know the difference both of them will be much richer and more rewarding.


"The Game" is not a relationship. It is an attempt at one at best, a mockery of one at worst. But ya gotta suit up and play. The secret is knowing when to stop playing, and begin relating. A lot of people never figure this out.

Post Script

I have had many unpleasant experiences with "The Game". Being an only child, and more social rock than butterfly, I often mistook "Gaming" for relationships. The result was mass confusion, anger, and bitterness. If I had known the difference I could have relaxed, taken a breath or two and just played right back. It is normal social interaction. Remember that. Most of the time people aren't being two faced as much as you are misunderstanding them, "The Game" and relationship. Remember, the best way to take rejection is to keep on moving. When you get stuck is when you stagnate, so, on to the next one.

Predatory Love and Jealousy

We spend a lot of time searching for someone to love( or at least can I admit, I have) . We (or maybe just me) are predators in this way, lurking about, roaming to and fro searching for someone to devour and feed our inner need to be loved. This is jealousy which "loves only as it is loved". This is how predators love. Funny, we are jealous even before we meet the object of our love, perhaps this is why jealousy becomes such a problem after wards. Girls dream of a knight dressed to the nine's, who is beautiful enough to grace GQ, yet manly enough to kill a bear with a toothpick, all the while listening to her dreams and desires with an enchanted smile. Boys want a girl with a perfect body who won't talk to much and who won't give them grief when they are gone or come home late and who will give it up on demand. Both dreams focus on the self. This is the problem of erotic love, while it seeks out an object for affection, it already loves itself with a biting passion. And in erotic love there can be only one beloved. The first wall two people must scale when attempting to come together in relationship is this self love.

Post Script
The jealousy I mentioned is a jealously with no redeeming qualities.

"Three times in 1 Corinthians, Paul used this word in a good sense to encourage his brethren to “earnestly desire (zeeloúte)” spiritual gifts (12:31; 14:1,39). He obviously was not commanding the Corinthians to sin, but to do something that was good and worthwhile(http://www.apologeticspress.org/article/777 retrieved on 3/12/2011)."

Jealousy is from medieval Latin zelosus (think zealous), so jealousy properly conceived and defined, can either be a positive passion or destructive demand. Jealousy isn't always wrong, and I for one will definitely be (positively) jealous in my romantic relationships.

What I Saw in the Mirror

Today God plowed over me. Over my rationalizations of sin, over my pride and secret hubris. I say plowed because it fits. A plow takes soil that is deep in the ground, and turns it over so that it is on top, plows dig deep into the soil to do this. Things I had "hidden" God today showed me that He had always known about. And he put it out in the open for me to look at. It was just like God had opened my inward eyes, and I didn't like what I saw.

I saw a bright young man, who hides behind his intelligence because it has been his crouch ever since he was an extremely awkward pre-teen. I saw a young man full of regret for doing the right thing, because it was more difficult than the status quo. I saw my sin. Well, my sinsssss. Plural. Ow. I saw how I rationalized them, explained them away to myself, and continued doing them. It stung. When I was a kid I was stung by a hornet on my head, and this felt pretty similar, except this shrunk my head instead of swelling it like a balloon!

I'm nowhere near becoming the man I want to be, the man I know I can be. I've called myself a skeptic for so long because I thought it made me sound edgy and cool, and I would openly question people who I knew didn't have an answer, I was so full of myself that my foot was in my mouth and I didn't even know it.

I am a man of faith. I have doubts, but everyone does. I won't focus on the doubts, although I will continue to seek answers to my questions. I'm not shutting my eyes, I'm opening my mind. I can't escape God. I thought I had stopped running, but I just used different tactics. I won't be afraid to be pious anymore, the way I was when I was young, I'll just use more wisdom and discretion about it. God has called me to obedience and to be accountable, and it's difficult to obey when you keep asking questions to avoid obeying.

I recently shaved my head. Which is great because my head is kind of lumpy. The top kinda slips to the left. After I shaved my hair off, I left the mirror, and when I came back I scared myself. I literally jumped when I saw my reflection. I didn't recognize myself. "WHO IS THAT BALD GUY IN THE MIRROR AND WHY IS HE LOOKING AT ME?!" But it was me. And today I looked in the mirror, and scared myself. I didn't recognize the person I saw. I'm not where I want to be. I am not who I want to be; but I will be. It's about growth, and growing, not perfection. I'm growing somewhere.

Post Script :
The "Growing Somewhere" comment is extremely cheesy, but it fits. : )