Why Ministry is Hard.

“The first Christians who were being persecuted by the Roman Empire were not in it for what they could get, because all they were going to get was trouble.” –Thomas Sowell

The first Christians, those “first people who hoped in Christ”. For believers they are what legends are made of. Steven the proto-martyr, Thecla-possibly the first female martyr, Paul of Tarsus, Peter and the other Apostles, all these plus the unnamed and unknown are the stuff of legend in Christian circles. I recently came across the passage in the first chapter of Ephesians, “We are the first people who hoped in Christ, and we were chosen so that we would bring praise to God’s glory” and I was filled with awe. The first Christians, called Jewish Christians by many historians, are my heroes. The “Pioneers of Faith” if you want to get a little weird with it! Everything they did was a first, and so it everything they did was new and groundbreaking. In the 1997 Sci-Fi Comedy “Rocketman”, Harland William’s character begins to document everything he and his fellow astronauts are “the first” to do on Mars.

“Amazing…we’re the first to ever stand on Mars…we’re the first to talk on Mars, hey Julie I’m the first to walk backwards on Mars! First to blow a kiss on Mars! Hey you’re the first to blush on Mars…well you’re the first not to listen to me on Mars…please talk to me, I want to get to know you better for the first time on Mars.” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNTXKCeeuIM)

Being the first to do anything is a big deal-think of it, a baby’s first steps, a baby’s first Christmas, even a baby’s first diaper! You understand though. The first of anything is important because it gives us an idea of what is to come, especially in the case of diapers. And ministry was hard for the first Christians, one reason why believers today-who sometimes have it much easier-admire them so.

“We are the first people who hoped in Christ, and we were chosen so that we would bring praise to God's glory. So it is with you…” Ephesians 1:12-13 NCV

When I read this verse, it struck a bit of a nerve that I was indeed reading what many of the first Christians did, and that I was sharing in their experience across time and space. I remembered that ministry, really Life, is supposed to be difficult. Look at the back of your Bible; it probably has a map detailing the “Ministry of Jesus”. Interesting isn’t how much his “ministry” looks like his life? There is little of the compartmentalization we see today there. True he takes breaks and even hides from the crowds, but even then he seems to be in prayer, or instructing the disciples. His work was his life, which also was his ministry. Work=life=ministry. Work and life are difficult. So we shouldn’t be shocked that ministry, a vocation, something we must be called to do, and that to do as it should be done we must dedicate our life and life’s work to, is difficult. And that it is supposed to be that way. Deliberately engineered to be hard. Like work, like life. This isn’t a truck commercial; this is ministry.

Listen to a parable Jesus gave in Luke 6:47-48

“I will show you what everyone is like who comes to me and hears my words and obeys. That person is like a man building a house who dug deep and laid the foundation on rock…the house was built well.”

“Well folks, it’s a lot like being construction, only you don’t get rainy days off.” I can hear a “modern” Jesus saying. Imagine the shock on all our faces. We chose ministry because it is a desk job, has some prestige with it, and hopefully one day will pay well if we don’t build a new church building. Nope. It’s manual labor.

And there is a reason for it.

“The first Christians who were being persecuted by the Roman Empire were not in it for what they could get, because all they were going to get was trouble. But once Christianity became the state religion, it became a very lucrative career for some people. They you get an entirely different kind of person coming in at that point, and we have an entirely different kind of movement.” –Thomas Sowell

It was not acceptable to be a Christian in the early years. The world was pagan, and while there were some similarities, the differences were massive. Being a Christian was very costly, it could cost you your life if worst came to worst. So many did not convert for this reason. However, after the Edict of Milan(the edict only took immediate affect in the West, in the East persecutions actually spread. Maximinus decreed in the East, "...to request that the Christians, who have long been disloyal and still persist in the same mischievous intent, should at last be put down and not be suffered by any absurd novelty to offend against the honour due to the gods.") , converts slowly began to stream into the church with increasing speed. Christianity began to be viewed as a way to the top, a sort of initiation to a social networking group that could really propel your career. This is perhaps a gross oversimplification; never the less this sort of thing did occur. And when you join any sort of group for those reasons, the very organization changes over time. From a group built on the very real fact that persecution will happen, you will be persecuted as a believer, as Elizabeth Castelli and Jesus himself illustrate,

"Christianity itself is founded upon an archetype of religio-political persecution, the execution of Jesus by the Romans…The earliest Christians routinely equated Christian identity with suffering persecution" -Elizabeth Castelli

“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account” (Matthew 5.10-11). –Jesus as recorded by the writer of Matthew

Imagine hearing about how some fellow believers were torn apart and smashed when smashed by vehicles at a monster truck rally. Think of the effect it would have, how sobering; “that could happen to me.” You don’t have the ability to stand before eternity and wonder if your socks match -in other words your decision to believe or to disbelieve becomes the most important decision in your life, if it wasn’t already then it is definitely highlighted all the more by the immediate threat to life and limb. Few posers will join when the stakes are so high. This is why ministry is hard. I do not mean to say that only ordained ministers have it hard or that their lives are especially difficult - every Christian is a minister in one form or another. Preachers are merely ministers to ministers. What I mean to say is that ministry, the Christian life, is purposefully difficult. What else could take your cross and follow me mean besides embracing difficulty and finding beauty in things deemed ugly? Most leaders instruct their followers to pick their swords and then follow them. Instruments for the death of others and the empowerment of self; our leader also bids us to pick up weapons of death, except this weapon is for our death, no one else’s. This is why ministry, or the Christian life is difficult. It demands our death- definitely spiritually, quite possibly physically. We lose sight of this; when was the last time you were threatened with martyrdom? It has a way of keeping everything in perspective. Maybe that is why the church always seems to grow during periods of persecution, what’s truly valuable is more readily seen and pursued in the valley of the shadow of death. Perhaps this is another reason why we die.

“Unless we are ready and willing to die in conformity with His passion, His life is not in us.” –Ignatius to the Magnesians, on his way to be thrown to wild beasts in the Coliseum at Rome.

That is ministry. That is life and work. All are related to the other. Our life’s work is, or should be our ministry. This begs the question, “what is the ministry, the work of my life?” I work at Sports Authority, but that isn’t my vocation, it isn’t my work.

“It is eighteen hundred years and more since Jesus Christ walked here on earth. But this is not an event like other events which, only when they are bygone, pass over into history, and then as events long bygone, pass over into forgetfulness. No, his presence here on earth never becomes more and more bygone-in case faith is to be found on earth. And if not, then indeed at the very instant it is a long, long time since He lived. But so long as there is a believer, such a one must, in order to become such, have been, and as a believer must continue to be, just as contemporary with His presence on earth as were those first contemporaries. This contemporaneousness is the condition of faith, and more closely defined it is faith.” -Soren Kierkegaard, Training in Christianity

“So it is with you.”

Do these words not ring in your ears? So it is with you. We are contemporaries with Christ; we are pioneers, we are missionaries, and we are ministers. Dispersing of the church, the apostles stayed put, the missionaries were the “normal” Christians. No hard line between laymen and clergy here there are ministers and those who minister to the ministers. One of the points of ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’ is that it was all lived, it was all life; the truly Christian life cannot but help but to be one of ministry. Not behind a pulpit, but behind our skulls. Ministry is hard so that we will be soft; perhaps if it were soft we would be hard. The essence of this is captured by my late cousin Shiloh Foster, who said when he was 16 or so, “If you live for God hard it’s easy; if you live for God easy, it’s hard.”

Jesus didn't shave his armpits: Not obsessing about appearance over substance.

"With the good, the true and the useful man is merely in earnest; but with the beautiful he plays." -Schiller

Pictures of pretty people abound, from television and the internet, to magazines and catalogs we are surrounded by it. I am not really built for Abercrombie & Fitch's clothing line, but when I was a teenager this was a popular brand. The first thing you were confronted by when you walked into the store were MASSIVE pictures of guys and gals in varying degrees of undress. And they were all attractive. Every last one of them. The perfection seemed to slide off the pictures, out of the frames and onto the young employee's of the store. (Curse their tanned perfection!) As a young man who was very overweight I was enormously uncomfortable in that setting, everything seemed to point out what I was lacking(or had too much of!). Indeed, I believe that many are uncomfortable with God for that very reason; not because God seems to be perfect, but because God actually is perfect. Perfection seems to spotlight all imperfection, it is why I felt so out of place looking at the petite XXL's at Abercrombie&Fitch, and it is why humans can feel so uncomfortable before God. That is precisely why the incarnation offers us a unique glimpse of God as one who suffers. I enjoy art that depicts Christ as a peasant who labored, suffered, and died. Not the playful femme who offers good advice on how to live your best life that some picture him as. So scenes regarding his suffering and death stand out to me as beautiful, because I see in Him not imperfection; it would be easy although incorrect to say so, rather, it is his vulnerability that seems to place him at eye level with me for a moment.

Still, I have been puzzling over the crucifixion, and how it could be viewed as

"beautiful". The art concerning it is indeed beautiful, one of my favorites being Michelangelo's Pieta(left). Mary is depicted as much younger than she truly would have been at the time of the crucifixion, this is perhaps because Michelangelo was trying to reveal the interior through the exterior, meaning Mary is morally beautiful so she is portrayed from that perspective(as beautiful). It is the only sculpture Michelangelo signed. Another favorite is another Pieta by Luis de Morales(right), this one strikes me because it is more stark than the Pieta by Michelangelo, which is in St. Peter's in Rome as an altar piece(to the best of my knowledge at any rate). In the Pieta by Morales, Christ's eyes are rolled back and glazed over in death, blood flowing down his arms, and his lips have turned a blue-green as the blood has slowed. His mother's hands expressing her emotion as she clutches at his body, her fingers pressing into the body-pulling it into herself as if she could restore his life. This is a scene of sorrow. Yet it is also one of beauty. Here Christ seems to be just as vulnerable to death as you or me. And he was. Christians and non-Christians alike can appreciate this art because it speaks to other themes such as loss, sorrow, the love of a mother, et cetera. Still, this is merely art depicting the crucifixion, not the event itself. It seems that only a sadist could watch an actual crucifixion and view any of it as beautiful. Yet, the great majority of Christians would say that the crucifixion was a beautiful thing. Lets look at The Passion of the Christ, and it's reception. I for one have not seen it and do not plan on seeing it because I have done some reading on how violent a death crucifixion is and have no desire in seeing it depicted. My imagination is horrible enough. It earned $370,782,930, ranking it 12th in all time domestic earnings. It currently sits at 15th. It spurred websites like mylifeafter.com and passion-movie.com. However, the violence portrayed in the film was excessive by many counts, and the movie was re-cut to eliminate some of the violent content. Even then, The Motion Picture Association of America still thought it was too violent still, so the film was released unrated. Some critics viewed the movie as too violent,

"The graphic details of Jesus' torture make the movie tough to sit through and obscure whatever message it is trying to convey."(1)

I have included the words of a few film critics that I think readers will find interesting.

"If I were a Christian, I'd be appalled to have this primitive and pornographic bloodbath presume to speak for me."-Jonathan Rosenbaum,Chicago Reader

"Whereas the words say love, love, love, the sounds and images say hate, hate, hate." -Andrew Sarris, New York Observer

"Blood-soaked pop theology for a doom-laden time, its effect that of a gripping yet reductive paradox: It lifts us downward." -Owen Geiberman, Entertainment Weekly

I find Roger Ebert's words powerful.

"This is the most violent film I have ever seen."(2)

"For we altar boys, this was not necessarily a deep spiritual experience. Christ suffered, Christ died, Christ rose again, we were redeemed, and let's hope we can get home in time to watch the Illinois basketball game on TV. What Gibson has provided for me, for the first time in my life, is a visceral idea of what the Passion consisted of."(2)

"...many audience members, who will enter the theater in a devout or spiritual mood and emerge deeply disturbed."(2)

And it should disturb us. Let's never go back to the 1961 film "King of Kings" where Jesus' armpits are shaved. Finally we have something that at least approaches what the real thing may have been like, and can stop white washing it and confront it for what it is-God's commandment to Christians.

And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. -Matthew 10:38

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross. -Matthew 16:24

And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

-Mark 8:34

I write none of this as a guilt trip, but hoping to help and others-and myself- realize that the Christian life has never been easy. We are called to follow Christ, the "faithful witness", but I think we forget that the word "witness" here in Greek basically translates as "martyr". May we all be worthy to suffer for His sake. Not because we masochists, no, we are hardly that. Remember Galations 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Like Peter we all seek to escape the savior's fate, and like Peter we find our way back to Him and his suffering. Which allows us to live out the wisdom learned that this life is not all there is, and that my friends, that will allow our lives to be truly beautiful. When I was an overweight teen I was blinded by self image, now I see what matters, what allows us Christians to attempt to lead [obviously imperfect] yet beautiful lives, beautiful from substance, not from appearance.

"The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wants me to do; the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die." -Soren Kierkegaard

"For the secret of man's being is not only to live. . . but to live for something definite. Without a firm notion of what he is living for, man will not accept life and will rather destroy himself than remain on earth." -Fyodor Dostoevsky

"He that loveth his life shall lost it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal." Jesus, as recorded in the Gospel of John, Chapter 12 verse 25

What the cross does is take the focus of the individual; your sins aren't forgiven based on looks or even by works. This is so simple that we may be tempted to say "well duh." yet we continue to judge people by outward appearance--granted, sometimes these are helpful clues, but the mistake comes not from making judgement calls, but in mistaking the worth or value of a person solely based on their appearance or dress. I will try and explain in another way;

If we see someone wearing pads and a helmet, it is safe and perhaps necessary to assume that they are a football player--where we need to be careful is assuming whether or not they are a good football player merely by what they may be wearing. That is the difference of a judgement call and a judgement based on outward appearance only.

The crucifixion is beautiful not because it reveals to us a God of weakness, rather, it is a God of strength. He is not weak because he died, his strength is revealed by his death, and indeed, it strengthens us, although the strength given is not our own, nor is it from us.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God..." -Ephesians 2:8

May Christ and his work on the cross move our eyes off of the mirror where we see only the incomplete picture that is ourself; remember, "this is not your own doing" and so may the gifts of God be able to work through us as He wills.

What I'm trying to say is that no one looks pretty when carrying a cross, let alone when they are on it. So let us concern ourselves with things that matter, and not obsess about what we cannot change(without massive amounts of plastic surgery!).

This is 'The Resurrection of the Christ' by David Bonnell. It seemed a good piece to finish this post off with. His website:

http://web.me.com/danielbonnell/Image_On_Christ_Exhibition/Paintings.html

Sources:

1. http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/passion_of_the_christ/

2.http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=%2F20040224%2FREVIEWS%2F402240301%2F1023&AID1=%2F20040224%2FREVIEWS%2F402240301%2F1023&AID2=

Choose Love or Die.

Anyone who reads this blog(precious few, and gems all of you!) or speaks with me at any depth, knows that I am being strongly influenced by a book titled Work of Love. Now I won't laden anyone with details, but one of the main points is that love is a duty. Love is to be chosen actively. This idea thrills me. We choose to love. I choose to love you. As best I can at any rate. At my wedding(in a galaxy far,far away) the preacher will command us to love one another. Much like similar commands in Deuteronomy and Matthew. Love is a duty. It doesn't 'happen'. That is attraction's job, love comes later, usually beginning with some sort of temporary lowering of ego boundaries(i.e. you are reallyyyy nice. Really, really nice). This is temporary, and when this 'in love' experience fades you must choose to love. Otherwise the relationship is over. What other reason do you need to choose love and do it as a duty? Duty is poo-pooed by some as too rigid to contain love, but is the love of a father or mother too rigid to love his children because he loves his children by doing his duty to provide for them? Get to it folks!

Choose love or die. Relationally. And as my cousin Jeremy Foster says so often, "Life moves at the speed of relationship." Stop standing there.

My Experience with Abortion.

She walked through the church doors and I had to pick up my jaw. She was gorgeous. I was proud in the most non-Christian fashion that she had come on the night I was to preach, I was sure to impress here with my skills of rhetoric and reason. After the service, we went to eat, just us, score. We were waiting for our food, having good conversation, when she looks at me and says, "Hayden, I'm pregnant." I am too stunned to speak. My mind races. I know it's not my kid, but I am just so blown off course by this confession. My heart immediately goes out to her, I can't imagine what that feels like. Forget the sin, and making sure she feels bad about it "enough". I'm sure she feels terrible. I don't know what do, and frankly anything I might have said is forgotten in that mist, except for me asking if she would keep the child. She told me she would, and I was glad for that, and a bit surprised as well-had I been in her shoes I would have chosen abortion. We ate, relaxed a little over some coffee and then I took her home. I drove home in a daze. The only redeeming factor was that the child would live.

Six weeks later, I got the text that told me she had changed her mind. She just couldn't face it. I couldn't blame her, but her change in position mortified me. She told me of her appointment at Planned Parenthood, and several thoughts came to mind. 1. Maybe I can talk her out of this if I am there in person. 2. Someone should be with her if her father and the daddy won't be, after all, I wouldn't want my daughter going there at all, but if she did I would rather he go with me with her than alone. So I told her I would be there in the morning to meet her and drive her there. Now some may disagree with what I did, but I have to defend myself-I don't agree with what she did, but none the less she is still my friend and I do support her. God has been with me countless times when I was doing things contrary to His nature. So the next morning we meet, and she climbs into the truck. She is tired from stress of the secret and lack of sleep. I slowly begin to lay the case against abortion as well as I was able to, and as sensitively as I was able to. I remember small tears from her otherwise stone face as I made my case. And I felt like a jerk, but I had to say something. Finally we arrived at the clinic. My intestines seemed to jerk up into my chest cavity, and immediately drop back down again. I was nervous. What if someone saw me and thought what would obvious to them, yet still untrue? We continued to walk through the cold air, and were confronted by well meaning Catholic ladies holding pictures of Mary. They blocked our way and I strode out to the fore in case anything was tried. Inward I was so thankful for this last chance defense, but I doubt it was effective in most cases. Finally we were inside. The security was tight, with metal detectors and an armed guard on duty. She signed in and we went to the waiting room. I will now quote the notes I took on my iPhone there. I post it almost as it was written, correcting only the most glaring errors.

"Heart in my throat, the loudest quiet room I've ever been in. Panicked regret for some, rest and ease on others; veterans with battles belted. No one speaks, the only dialogue provided by a tv, false dialogue, false hope, choices made and recesnded.partially.that twinkle in your eye is about to die, not yet a person, but human still, hope dying that would have brimmed over like sun over the morning windowsill. She goes back, no second look. Her heart is already torn, in pieces. She attacks herself with her own words. True hopes true dreams, drowned out by silent screams, of the living of the dying of the dead.
All sorts of people here, from all walks of life, a sort of sadness hangs in this room. No expectancy, no joy even in relief. Nervous weakness overwhelms me, I feel it in my hand and clench them like a child would, but I feel no strength in in them. I tried and I failed.
She just went back, evertging in me us screaming right now, everything. Arguments are gone out of the window, I just want to see her come back through the doors to tell me she didn't go through with it, that life will have a chance. 3 women outside hold pictures of the blessed virgin, I wish she were here. My heart is racing in my chest, I can feel blood pulsing through my neck, I mildly hallucinate and in my minds eye see blood painted on the lobby, of mothers, of zygotes, sealed and treated by guilt and tears. I didn't think it would be like this I didn't want it to end like this. I wanted to save a life, maybe two. I failed. I hurt, I hurt inside, phantom pain from a phantom limb I never bore, but one I viewed for a brief moment, like a face glimpsed in water before ripples obscure it. I hurt. For a child that isn't mine, that I never knew, and will never knowing
Can't believe it's affecting me this way, it wasn't my baby nor was the women one Iove, but I'd can't get the thought out of my mind that one little pill erased a life. It's one kid that will never see the sun, never see the stars never eat milk and cookies or watch Saturday morning cartoons. He will never ask lifes big questions, she will never fall in love for the first time; everything that could have been was snuffed out."

The worst part perhaps was how she was afterward. Everything seemed fine. She was normal. We went and ate chicken and she assured me she was fine. I thought she must be evil for this lack of conscience, but later, on further reflection I saw that it was just posturing to support herself after making a terrible decision, denial is a powerful way to avoid confronting yourself-sometimes we don't have the strength to do this right after something so harsh. She later confirmed my suspicion. I mourned for that child as if it has been mine. I couldn't explain this to myself. Really what was there to feel? I had no connection to that little one, he or she wasn't my blood, and I had never seen them or experienced them. But I wept and screamed on my back home, switching from rage to sorrow. Why was I so affected when she was able to wear a brave face? The simplest thoughts controlled my mind, "The child will never eat milk and cookies, never watch saturday cartoons or run through the house screaming. Never feel the sun on their skin." I felt immense sorrow, choking up when I shared it with a mentor.

Tonight a friend posted a video of Gianna Jessen speaking. She is a Christian recording artist and pro-life activist who was born alive during a saline abortion. What she said brought all this back to me and I had to get it out. I guess this is my sort of self therapy.

"If abortion is merely about women's rights, I ask you, what were mine?" Gianna Jessen, Saline Abortion Survivor

"A person is a person no matter how small." -Dr. Suess

What I Learned From Washing Feet.

Feet. Oh how they stink. So much for poetry. But really, feet never look like they should. Toes are going in sorts of directions, lets not even bring up toenails, and the callouses and the crustiness, it's enough to wear socks to bed.

I was at a leadership meeting at my church earlier today, when out of nowhere, foot washing basins were brought in! I groaned so loudly inside, I'm sure everyone heard it and just thought someone was very hungry. Immediately I begin to look for a way to escape, glancing about like a caged cat. People begin to go up to the front while I hang back in the safety of the pews, like a bear in the depths of it's cave. I am genuinely not sure about what is going on, or why. I know Jesus washed his disciples feet, but I don't know why He did, maybe their feet smelled that bad. So I thumb over to John 13 where the whole foot washing thing occurred. I immediately became a huge fan of Peter. He asks Jesus, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?" That was the same question I was going to ask everyone around me, and if they had asked me then to either wash or be washed I would have said "NO!" as politely as possible. But I continued reading, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me." Jesus pulls out the trump card. That got my attention, and I continued reading. "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." Jesus pulls out the trump yet again. Those words hit me, could there be something in this bizarre ritual of Pedilavium(fancy smancy for foot washing) that I really don't understand?

I look up, some of the Pedilavium is dying down. People are praying, and I decide to wash someone's feet. I go and grab my father, and wash his feet. It was such an odd experience. I would have cried just a little if I had allowed myself to. There weren't spiritual fireworks and the Shekinah didn't fall on me or anything but it was powerful in it's own way. Once I was done, I thought I had gotten away. I had washed someone's feet, and done my duty! That was when an elder in the church came and began to wash my feet. Having my feet washed by someone was very much more humiliating than washing someone else's feet. He wasn't supposed to wash my feet, no was supposed to wash my feet but me! See no feet, smell no feet, unless they are your own and hopefully you are just looking at them. I began to understand Pedilavium as I performed it. I didn't totally get it, but I went home and studied it a little bit and realized what it was.

The washing of feet is a way of graphically illustrating how we should behave one toward the other; with humility and love. When I realized this I was embarrassed and shamed that i don't even treat my friends this way. Jesus washed the disciples feet, but none of them had done so before, neither to him nor to their companions(at least I haven't encountered it in my readings). The closest we see is when Mary wash Jesus' feet with perfume in chapter 12. One disciple objected, but he was also taking money from their treasury-he wanted the money for himself. So we see the seeds of betrayal sown when Judas revealed his inner state when he mocked the humble attitude of a believer. Let this be a warning when we find ourselves prideful, let us remember where that got Judas. As easy as it is to look at the disciples in the text and laugh at them and high five each other as we chuckle about how much they "don't get it", we should think and wonder if truly we understand it. I personally did not want to wash anyone's feet or have anyone wash mine, I doubt that pride was the prime motivator in this, but I know it was somewhere in the scrum. I was so thoroughly humbled by having my feet washed. At least for now, God grant me humility to love others.

I don't believe that washing feet is something you must do, although the primitive church did practice it(II Timothy 5:10). However, we must have that same humility and love about us. It is easier to wash the grossest feet in the world with 5 ft long toenails, than it is to achieve that sort of love one for the other. Washing feet is a radical practice that while very weird, and very gross, offers us a reminder of a lovingly concerned attitude and the sacrifice it requires to be more than mere concern and step over into love.

"Christ is not instituting an ordinance of foot washing, but is showing an example of humility. He does not command us to perform this act, but to acquire the attitude that this activity displays." -Liberty Bible Commentary

I will finish this post with an important distinction that are not necessary for you to read unless you wish(like the rest of this blog!). Some interpret Jesus and Peter's dialogue in verse 8("No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.") saying that unless he washes you, you have no part in him as meaning that foot washing is salvific in some way. This is not the case, rather, we must see that Jesus was referring to washing "his overall humiliation and death"1 while Peter is "still thinking about physical washing."2 Having your feet washed(or not) will not effect you salvation. If you wonder why I included this, The True Jesus Church views foot washing as a sacrament, which it is not. Judas had his feet washed as well, I'm not sure if he will experience heaven.

1.Liberty Bible Commentary on John 13:8-9

2.Ibid

Don't fence what God Freed.

The Lord God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."

This was a warning to Adam in Genesis 2:16-17. Pay attention to the words used and what exactly is prohibited by this divine prohibition. Now, let's fast forward to chapter 3 where Eve answers the serpent's question, "hath God said".

"We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die." Genesis 3:2-3

Now read what God said to Adam.....ok good. Now read what Eve said.........ok. Did you see it? Eve added on to the divine prohibition forbidding the eating of fruit from the tree of good and evil. I don't think Eve can be totally blamed for her mistake, she didn't exist when God told Adam not to eat the fruit, Adam may have tried to make the prohibition stronger so Eve wouldn't even get close to the fruit.

Robert Alter, professor of Hebrew Language at University of California Berkeley, commented on Eve's words in Genesis 3, "Eve enlarges the divine prohibition in another direction, adding a ban on touching to the one on eating, and so perhaps setting herself up for transgression : having touched the fruit, and seeing no ill effect, she may proceed to eat."

Eve has enlarged the divine prohibition, or perhaps Adam embellished it when he relayed it to Eve(remember she didn'e exist when God gave Adam this prohibition) an attempt to ensure she didn't even go near the forbidden fruit. The line has been drawn sharper than God intended. So of course Eve doesn't die when she touches the fruit, and she is emboldened to taste the fruit.

I will attempt to explain again with a different story other than the creation one. I have been reared around horses my entire life. And being around horses so much means that I have been around fences as long as I have been around horses. Fences are important, but it doesn't take long for bushes and eventually trees to begin to grow along fence lines because mowers can't reach there without knocking the fence down. Very quickly the brush can grow up to the point that you can't see the fence. I have been on old ranches where an old fence had once been, the only hint that a fence had been there was the straight line of bushes and trees growing in a perfect rectangle! Traditions and rules can become a part of Christianity, and this itself is not an evil thing; however when these traditions, or rules, begin to grow and to cover scripture-the "fence"-then scripture has been surpassed by tradition and is no longer primary. Let us refuse to allow scripture to be overgrown by the vain traditions of man. Traditions are always secondary to scripture. However, when scripture is overtaken by traditions, we forget. We can't see "the fence"(i.e. scripture) and we wonder why all this brush is there in the first place. So we begin to hack at it. And rightfully so. However, we can become so emphatic and doctrinaire in our own assertions, that we forget about "the fence" and as we continue to slice through the useless brush, we take the fence down with it as well.

I don't say this to stop anyone from cutting at the brush, only to warn them to be careful in their cutting so that "the fence" will not be put down in their own lives. Be careful of the brush, it warps "the fence", twisting it to it's own means, but don't take down the fence with the brush. Don't enlarge the divine prohibition.

It's quite simple, Don't Fence what God Freed and Don't Free what God Fenced.

1. The Five Books of Moses, Robert Alter, Chapter 3, note on verse 3.

The Pain of Belief-confronted by a Holy God.

"For those who truly want to know and love God as he is,

the warm and friendly Jesus, although an attractive idea, is but an idol."

-Mark Galli, Jesus Mean and Wild

Is there an emotional feeling worse than that of rejection? The rejection doesn't have to be "hard", even "soft" rejections can be quite difficult(exhibit A "Let's just be friends"). When you love someone with a love different from the sort of love they have for you it can be unpleasant. While they may indeed love you, it is more of a friendship sort of love. While your love for them is an actual "being in love", they are unable to return that love to you because they do not have the same love to give. I was dating a girl, many, many years ago. I forget the occasion, but she gave me a $50.00 gift certificate to Barnes&Noble. And I sheepishly handed her a stuffed easter bunny. Not cool. Just as the literal gifts given in my little story weren't equal, when our love for each other is not equal this makes for a uneasy relationship. This is why "friendlationships" can be so awkward, and often spell the end of the friendship. One may have romantic feelings, while the other has affection only as a friend, finding a balance until one relents is difficult to do. An unbalance of love is painful, because what you give is not given in return. This has had an enormous effect on my relating to the divine, because I feel a similar discomfort when confronted by a Holy God.

My relationship with God has always been somewhat of a struggle. Either I have combated Him, or He has sought to teach me some lesson I did not wish to learn. I will spend large amounts of time ignoring Him, at least in my own soul, while I devote time to understanding Him intellectually(thought vs. actual or "the lived"). This is sort of a contradiction of course, and quite an unpleasant one. I never had difficulty being open towards Him, it was getting to that point of surrender that I have difficulty with. Then I came across these words in my reading,

"Now if love is to be true and friendship lasting, certain conditions are necessary. On the Lord's side, as we know, these cannot fail, but our nature is wicked, sensual, and ungrateful. Therefore you cannot succeed in loving Him as He loves you, since it is not in your nature to do so." -The Life of St. Teresa of Avila by Herself

I have often asked myself, and God, how am I to love God as He loves me? I was at Israel Houghton's conference in Houston this past month, and I remember standing in the back and asking God, "how am I to love you as you love me?" I thought there was an unwritten rule somewhere that said we must love God as He loves us. My best love is not the same a God's perfect love. Not even close. My love of God does not have to perfect because neither myself, nor my love is perfect. Therefore I must rely on His perfect love and not my own; although my love must be aligned as much as possible with His to make this love live able. We cannot love God as He loves us. To pursue such a love from the human angle is pointless, it will get you nowhere. It is like attempting to draw a four sided triangle. A four sided triangle is impossible to draw. Try it and all you will get will be squares. Perhaps the closest human love can get to loving God as he loves us is in our gratefulness towards Him. God you make me uneasy, and I am not alone, there is a passage in Exodus that has always been a favorite of mine. In a nutshell, God has "come down" to speak with the Hebrews directly. They have purified themselves, washed their clothes, and no one in the camp has had sex for three days in preparation for encountering the Lord, this is the aftermath,

^18-19 All the people, experiencing the thunder and lightning, the trumpet blast and the smoking mountain, were afraid—they pulled back and stood at a distance. They said to Moses, "You speak to us and we'll listen, but don't have God speak to us or we'll die."²⁰ Moses spoke to the people: "Don't be afraid. God has come to test you and instill a deep and reverent awe within you so that you won't sin." (Exodus 20:18-20, The Message)

Apparently the Israelites had their own uneasiness when confronted by God and His Holiness. I understand that we live by faith now, and should approach the throne of grace boldly, and yet, I can't shake the image of an awe inspiring God. Awe is a mixture of fear and wonder, and it is perfectly fine to feel where God is concerned. However, the issue is not my awe of God, but my uneasiness with Him.

As we cannot love God as He loves us, this intensifies the unease we may feel in a relationship to the eternal. He loves us with loving-kindness, we love Him with an imperfect love. God makes me uneasy, and I am surprised that more people don't share this feeling, indeed, it seems to be the exception. This isn't "fun" God, or a Jesus action figure(those were pretty cool), nor is this the God that gives us everything we want, this is Yahweh Lord of the Angel Armies, Yahweh Sabaoth "The LORD Almighty" or "He who musters armies", Christ Pantocrator (ruler of all), this is not God the puppet who will keep us from doing those things which we may find unpleasant. This is the Jesus who calls us to crucifixion. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, "When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die(see my earlier post on Bonhoeffer to see why he would understand this very well)." People usually get really hyped up when the preacher says something along those lines, but pensive contemplation is more fitting. Jesus wrestled with the cross before facing God's will, i.e. His death on the cross. As Mark Galli points out in his book "Jesus Mean and Wild","This is not Jesus "meek and mild" of the infamous Wesley hymn. This is Jesus the consuming fire, the raging storm, who seems bent on destroying everything in his path, who either shocks people into stupification or frightens them so that they run for their lives. This divinity we had thought was under lock and key and confined to the Old Testament. But to find him roaming the pages of the Testament of love and forgiveness-well!" C.s. Lewis used a lion(Aslan) to parallel Christ in his Chronicles of Narnia, a famous passage represents relays how Lewis thought of God,

"Is he...quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion!"

"That you will deary and no mistake", said Mrs.Beaver. "If there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."

"Then he isn't safe?", said Lucy.

"Safe?", said Mr.Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs.Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe.....but he's good. He's the King I tell you." - The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

Perhaps some of us have to fight longer than others, perhaps some are more honest concerning their struggle, or probably some make it more difficult than it has to be. A combination of these factors is more likely. God is good, but He isn't safe. The cross isn't a safe place to be.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." -Matthew 16:24

If I had my way I would reject Christ. Not in the sense of being an apostate outright, "I don't believe in God", but I mean I would do what I wished to do. Eventually though that would have the same effect, to a falling away from God. Like Peter I would begin with good intention, "I'll never betray my lord!" and time and time again I would betray Him. And I have. However, I believe that He has given me the desires of my heart. I do not mean that I have everything I want, rather, on some level, God is re-directing my desires. Not all of them I assure you, but He plants the seed that becomes a mighty tree.

"But when you see how important it is to you to have His friendship, and how much He loves you, you must rise above the pain of being so much in the company of One who is so different from you." -The Life of St. Teresa of Avila by Herself

God's love overcomes the deficiency of our own love. Where our love is weak, His is powerful, where ours is unstable, His is steady, ours changes, His is eternal. He offers us the only chance at unfailing love, and indeed, at making our own love eternal, "such a love stands and does not fall with the variations in the object of love; it stands and falls with eternity's law, but therefore it never falls. Such a love is not dependent on this or that." His love overcomes our unease with Him, IF we are able to "rise above the pain of being so much in the company of One who is so different from you."

Such a love is independent because it is dependent on God alone. If the object of your love changes,blossoms, grows, so to will your love for them blossom, grow and die. Christian love never dies, because the one who loves us, and indeed, is the object of our love never dies. Love rooted in a being that is static, unchanging, immutable, this rooted love, will never fail. We will fail, He does not.

"Love never fails..." I Cor. 13:8

This obviously must refer to God's love, and those whose love is rooted in that same One, who is Love. Confronting such a pure love is devastating to the human ego, for we have found one who is better than us, who loves better than we ever could, and all the attention, all the love, is centered, and focused on that One. We are not the center, and this is why humility is a Christian virtue, it is not only a limiting of the value we give ourselves, it is giving God his proper place. Have you ever been in a room with someone you have little in common with, perhaps you don't even enjoy this persons company, and they are very much more important and popular than you? Suddenly you may feel left out of the loop, unimportant, a fifth wheel. This is what it is like to be around God, especially now that the One we perceive to be better than us, actually is. He is perfection itself, we cannot compare with Him the way we attempt to foolishly compare ourselves to others. Plato described such a feeling, comparing it to someone who has lived in a cave all of their life and is now forced into the harsh light of the sun(google "allegory of the cave" for more on this):

"If someone dragged him away from there by force along the rough, steep, upward way and didn't let him go before he had dragged him out into the light of the sun, wouldn't he be distressed and annoyed at being so dragged? And when he came to the light, wouldn't he have his eyes full of its beam and be unable to see even one of the things now said to be true?" The Republic, book VII

Being dragged out into the light of His majesty, all my faults are visible. My sins stand next to me, as real as I am; an army I commanded, now turned against me. I am but a mere shade, and His glory passes through my feeble shadow of a body. His radiance pierces my very being, illuminating every fractured, out of place piece. It hurts. His voice thunders, and falls back on itself in a never ending cacophony, mixing with the uproar of angels singing in their harsh voices. My sins are mountains, my good deeds pebbles.

His light makes my own faults visible. I can see no one else's. I can make no comparison to another whose sin I believe to be worse, I cannot scoff and say, "Well at least I didn't do that." The uneasiness I feel is my own inadequacy I feel when confronted by the infinite. Perhaps I will always feel this way when confronted with God. This is not humility, this is the logical conclusion to my very real sin when I stand before a holy God. This is the reason for humility.

Imagine you have two cars, exactly the same. Except one was missing a tire. Both are still cars, although only one is able to participate fully in "car-ness", that is, being able to do what a car was designed for. Sin interferes with our purpose, with what we were designed to do- "to glorify God, and to enjoy him for ever". Sin breeds fear apart from a reverential awe. We fear God, yet as his children we should not be afraid of Him. He is not abusive. The uneasiness I feel is perhaps what the car missing a tire would feel if it could. It has failed at it's purpose. Not once, but a multitude of times-including every second it was without a tire. My continued rebellion leaves me having failed at participating fully in the kingdom, and with God. I am incomplete and cannot do what I should. A car with three wheels needs to be either in a scrapyard or in an auto shop, not a busy highway.

"I can say I know from experience, namely that however sinful a man may be, he should not abandon prayer once he has begun it. It is the means by which all may be repaired again, and without it amendment would be much more difficult. Let him not be persuaded by the devil, as I was, to give up out of humility. Let him believe rather that his words are true..." -The Life of St. Teresa of Avila by Herself

"It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks" Acts 9:5-6