My Experience with Abortion.

She walked through the church doors and I had to pick up my jaw. She was gorgeous. I was proud in the most non-Christian fashion that she had come on the night I was to preach, I was sure to impress here with my skills of rhetoric and reason. After the service, we went to eat, just us, score. We were waiting for our food, having good conversation, when she looks at me and says, "Hayden, I'm pregnant." I am too stunned to speak. My mind races. I know it's not my kid, but I am just so blown off course by this confession. My heart immediately goes out to her, I can't imagine what that feels like. Forget the sin, and making sure she feels bad about it "enough". I'm sure she feels terrible. I don't know what do, and frankly anything I might have said is forgotten in that mist, except for me asking if she would keep the child. She told me she would, and I was glad for that, and a bit surprised as well-had I been in her shoes I would have chosen abortion. We ate, relaxed a little over some coffee and then I took her home. I drove home in a daze. The only redeeming factor was that the child would live.

Six weeks later, I got the text that told me she had changed her mind. She just couldn't face it. I couldn't blame her, but her change in position mortified me. She told me of her appointment at Planned Parenthood, and several thoughts came to mind. 1. Maybe I can talk her out of this if I am there in person. 2. Someone should be with her if her father and the daddy won't be, after all, I wouldn't want my daughter going there at all, but if she did I would rather he go with me with her than alone. So I told her I would be there in the morning to meet her and drive her there. Now some may disagree with what I did, but I have to defend myself-I don't agree with what she did, but none the less she is still my friend and I do support her. God has been with me countless times when I was doing things contrary to His nature. So the next morning we meet, and she climbs into the truck. She is tired from stress of the secret and lack of sleep. I slowly begin to lay the case against abortion as well as I was able to, and as sensitively as I was able to. I remember small tears from her otherwise stone face as I made my case. And I felt like a jerk, but I had to say something. Finally we arrived at the clinic. My intestines seemed to jerk up into my chest cavity, and immediately drop back down again. I was nervous. What if someone saw me and thought what would obvious to them, yet still untrue? We continued to walk through the cold air, and were confronted by well meaning Catholic ladies holding pictures of Mary. They blocked our way and I strode out to the fore in case anything was tried. Inward I was so thankful for this last chance defense, but I doubt it was effective in most cases. Finally we were inside. The security was tight, with metal detectors and an armed guard on duty. She signed in and we went to the waiting room. I will now quote the notes I took on my iPhone there. I post it almost as it was written, correcting only the most glaring errors.

"Heart in my throat, the loudest quiet room I've ever been in. Panicked regret for some, rest and ease on others; veterans with battles belted. No one speaks, the only dialogue provided by a tv, false dialogue, false hope, choices made and recesnded.partially.that twinkle in your eye is about to die, not yet a person, but human still, hope dying that would have brimmed over like sun over the morning windowsill. She goes back, no second look. Her heart is already torn, in pieces. She attacks herself with her own words. True hopes true dreams, drowned out by silent screams, of the living of the dying of the dead.
All sorts of people here, from all walks of life, a sort of sadness hangs in this room. No expectancy, no joy even in relief. Nervous weakness overwhelms me, I feel it in my hand and clench them like a child would, but I feel no strength in in them. I tried and I failed.
She just went back, evertging in me us screaming right now, everything. Arguments are gone out of the window, I just want to see her come back through the doors to tell me she didn't go through with it, that life will have a chance. 3 women outside hold pictures of the blessed virgin, I wish she were here. My heart is racing in my chest, I can feel blood pulsing through my neck, I mildly hallucinate and in my minds eye see blood painted on the lobby, of mothers, of zygotes, sealed and treated by guilt and tears. I didn't think it would be like this I didn't want it to end like this. I wanted to save a life, maybe two. I failed. I hurt, I hurt inside, phantom pain from a phantom limb I never bore, but one I viewed for a brief moment, like a face glimpsed in water before ripples obscure it. I hurt. For a child that isn't mine, that I never knew, and will never knowing
Can't believe it's affecting me this way, it wasn't my baby nor was the women one Iove, but I'd can't get the thought out of my mind that one little pill erased a life. It's one kid that will never see the sun, never see the stars never eat milk and cookies or watch Saturday morning cartoons. He will never ask lifes big questions, she will never fall in love for the first time; everything that could have been was snuffed out."

The worst part perhaps was how she was afterward. Everything seemed fine. She was normal. We went and ate chicken and she assured me she was fine. I thought she must be evil for this lack of conscience, but later, on further reflection I saw that it was just posturing to support herself after making a terrible decision, denial is a powerful way to avoid confronting yourself-sometimes we don't have the strength to do this right after something so harsh. She later confirmed my suspicion. I mourned for that child as if it has been mine. I couldn't explain this to myself. Really what was there to feel? I had no connection to that little one, he or she wasn't my blood, and I had never seen them or experienced them. But I wept and screamed on my back home, switching from rage to sorrow. Why was I so affected when she was able to wear a brave face? The simplest thoughts controlled my mind, "The child will never eat milk and cookies, never watch saturday cartoons or run through the house screaming. Never feel the sun on their skin." I felt immense sorrow, choking up when I shared it with a mentor.

Tonight a friend posted a video of Gianna Jessen speaking. She is a Christian recording artist and pro-life activist who was born alive during a saline abortion. What she said brought all this back to me and I had to get it out. I guess this is my sort of self therapy.

"If abortion is merely about women's rights, I ask you, what were mine?" Gianna Jessen, Saline Abortion Survivor

"A person is a person no matter how small." -Dr. Suess

What I Learned From Washing Feet.

Feet. Oh how they stink. So much for poetry. But really, feet never look like they should. Toes are going in sorts of directions, lets not even bring up toenails, and the callouses and the crustiness, it's enough to wear socks to bed.

I was at a leadership meeting at my church earlier today, when out of nowhere, foot washing basins were brought in! I groaned so loudly inside, I'm sure everyone heard it and just thought someone was very hungry. Immediately I begin to look for a way to escape, glancing about like a caged cat. People begin to go up to the front while I hang back in the safety of the pews, like a bear in the depths of it's cave. I am genuinely not sure about what is going on, or why. I know Jesus washed his disciples feet, but I don't know why He did, maybe their feet smelled that bad. So I thumb over to John 13 where the whole foot washing thing occurred. I immediately became a huge fan of Peter. He asks Jesus, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?" That was the same question I was going to ask everyone around me, and if they had asked me then to either wash or be washed I would have said "NO!" as politely as possible. But I continued reading, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me." Jesus pulls out the trump card. That got my attention, and I continued reading. "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." Jesus pulls out the trump yet again. Those words hit me, could there be something in this bizarre ritual of Pedilavium(fancy smancy for foot washing) that I really don't understand?

I look up, some of the Pedilavium is dying down. People are praying, and I decide to wash someone's feet. I go and grab my father, and wash his feet. It was such an odd experience. I would have cried just a little if I had allowed myself to. There weren't spiritual fireworks and the Shekinah didn't fall on me or anything but it was powerful in it's own way. Once I was done, I thought I had gotten away. I had washed someone's feet, and done my duty! That was when an elder in the church came and began to wash my feet. Having my feet washed by someone was very much more humiliating than washing someone else's feet. He wasn't supposed to wash my feet, no was supposed to wash my feet but me! See no feet, smell no feet, unless they are your own and hopefully you are just looking at them. I began to understand Pedilavium as I performed it. I didn't totally get it, but I went home and studied it a little bit and realized what it was.

The washing of feet is a way of graphically illustrating how we should behave one toward the other; with humility and love. When I realized this I was embarrassed and shamed that i don't even treat my friends this way. Jesus washed the disciples feet, but none of them had done so before, neither to him nor to their companions(at least I haven't encountered it in my readings). The closest we see is when Mary wash Jesus' feet with perfume in chapter 12. One disciple objected, but he was also taking money from their treasury-he wanted the money for himself. So we see the seeds of betrayal sown when Judas revealed his inner state when he mocked the humble attitude of a believer. Let this be a warning when we find ourselves prideful, let us remember where that got Judas. As easy as it is to look at the disciples in the text and laugh at them and high five each other as we chuckle about how much they "don't get it", we should think and wonder if truly we understand it. I personally did not want to wash anyone's feet or have anyone wash mine, I doubt that pride was the prime motivator in this, but I know it was somewhere in the scrum. I was so thoroughly humbled by having my feet washed. At least for now, God grant me humility to love others.

I don't believe that washing feet is something you must do, although the primitive church did practice it(II Timothy 5:10). However, we must have that same humility and love about us. It is easier to wash the grossest feet in the world with 5 ft long toenails, than it is to achieve that sort of love one for the other. Washing feet is a radical practice that while very weird, and very gross, offers us a reminder of a lovingly concerned attitude and the sacrifice it requires to be more than mere concern and step over into love.

"Christ is not instituting an ordinance of foot washing, but is showing an example of humility. He does not command us to perform this act, but to acquire the attitude that this activity displays." -Liberty Bible Commentary

I will finish this post with an important distinction that are not necessary for you to read unless you wish(like the rest of this blog!). Some interpret Jesus and Peter's dialogue in verse 8("No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.") saying that unless he washes you, you have no part in him as meaning that foot washing is salvific in some way. This is not the case, rather, we must see that Jesus was referring to washing "his overall humiliation and death"1 while Peter is "still thinking about physical washing."2 Having your feet washed(or not) will not effect you salvation. If you wonder why I included this, The True Jesus Church views foot washing as a sacrament, which it is not. Judas had his feet washed as well, I'm not sure if he will experience heaven.

1.Liberty Bible Commentary on John 13:8-9

2.Ibid

Don't fence what God Freed.

The Lord God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."

This was a warning to Adam in Genesis 2:16-17. Pay attention to the words used and what exactly is prohibited by this divine prohibition. Now, let's fast forward to chapter 3 where Eve answers the serpent's question, "hath God said".

"We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die." Genesis 3:2-3

Now read what God said to Adam.....ok good. Now read what Eve said.........ok. Did you see it? Eve added on to the divine prohibition forbidding the eating of fruit from the tree of good and evil. I don't think Eve can be totally blamed for her mistake, she didn't exist when God told Adam not to eat the fruit, Adam may have tried to make the prohibition stronger so Eve wouldn't even get close to the fruit.

Robert Alter, professor of Hebrew Language at University of California Berkeley, commented on Eve's words in Genesis 3, "Eve enlarges the divine prohibition in another direction, adding a ban on touching to the one on eating, and so perhaps setting herself up for transgression : having touched the fruit, and seeing no ill effect, she may proceed to eat."

Eve has enlarged the divine prohibition, or perhaps Adam embellished it when he relayed it to Eve(remember she didn'e exist when God gave Adam this prohibition) an attempt to ensure she didn't even go near the forbidden fruit. The line has been drawn sharper than God intended. So of course Eve doesn't die when she touches the fruit, and she is emboldened to taste the fruit.

I will attempt to explain again with a different story other than the creation one. I have been reared around horses my entire life. And being around horses so much means that I have been around fences as long as I have been around horses. Fences are important, but it doesn't take long for bushes and eventually trees to begin to grow along fence lines because mowers can't reach there without knocking the fence down. Very quickly the brush can grow up to the point that you can't see the fence. I have been on old ranches where an old fence had once been, the only hint that a fence had been there was the straight line of bushes and trees growing in a perfect rectangle! Traditions and rules can become a part of Christianity, and this itself is not an evil thing; however when these traditions, or rules, begin to grow and to cover scripture-the "fence"-then scripture has been surpassed by tradition and is no longer primary. Let us refuse to allow scripture to be overgrown by the vain traditions of man. Traditions are always secondary to scripture. However, when scripture is overtaken by traditions, we forget. We can't see "the fence"(i.e. scripture) and we wonder why all this brush is there in the first place. So we begin to hack at it. And rightfully so. However, we can become so emphatic and doctrinaire in our own assertions, that we forget about "the fence" and as we continue to slice through the useless brush, we take the fence down with it as well.

I don't say this to stop anyone from cutting at the brush, only to warn them to be careful in their cutting so that "the fence" will not be put down in their own lives. Be careful of the brush, it warps "the fence", twisting it to it's own means, but don't take down the fence with the brush. Don't enlarge the divine prohibition.

It's quite simple, Don't Fence what God Freed and Don't Free what God Fenced.

1. The Five Books of Moses, Robert Alter, Chapter 3, note on verse 3.

The Pain of Belief-confronted by a Holy God.

"For those who truly want to know and love God as he is,

the warm and friendly Jesus, although an attractive idea, is but an idol."

-Mark Galli, Jesus Mean and Wild

Is there an emotional feeling worse than that of rejection? The rejection doesn't have to be "hard", even "soft" rejections can be quite difficult(exhibit A "Let's just be friends"). When you love someone with a love different from the sort of love they have for you it can be unpleasant. While they may indeed love you, it is more of a friendship sort of love. While your love for them is an actual "being in love", they are unable to return that love to you because they do not have the same love to give. I was dating a girl, many, many years ago. I forget the occasion, but she gave me a $50.00 gift certificate to Barnes&Noble. And I sheepishly handed her a stuffed easter bunny. Not cool. Just as the literal gifts given in my little story weren't equal, when our love for each other is not equal this makes for a uneasy relationship. This is why "friendlationships" can be so awkward, and often spell the end of the friendship. One may have romantic feelings, while the other has affection only as a friend, finding a balance until one relents is difficult to do. An unbalance of love is painful, because what you give is not given in return. This has had an enormous effect on my relating to the divine, because I feel a similar discomfort when confronted by a Holy God.

My relationship with God has always been somewhat of a struggle. Either I have combated Him, or He has sought to teach me some lesson I did not wish to learn. I will spend large amounts of time ignoring Him, at least in my own soul, while I devote time to understanding Him intellectually(thought vs. actual or "the lived"). This is sort of a contradiction of course, and quite an unpleasant one. I never had difficulty being open towards Him, it was getting to that point of surrender that I have difficulty with. Then I came across these words in my reading,

"Now if love is to be true and friendship lasting, certain conditions are necessary. On the Lord's side, as we know, these cannot fail, but our nature is wicked, sensual, and ungrateful. Therefore you cannot succeed in loving Him as He loves you, since it is not in your nature to do so." -The Life of St. Teresa of Avila by Herself

I have often asked myself, and God, how am I to love God as He loves me? I was at Israel Houghton's conference in Houston this past month, and I remember standing in the back and asking God, "how am I to love you as you love me?" I thought there was an unwritten rule somewhere that said we must love God as He loves us. My best love is not the same a God's perfect love. Not even close. My love of God does not have to perfect because neither myself, nor my love is perfect. Therefore I must rely on His perfect love and not my own; although my love must be aligned as much as possible with His to make this love live able. We cannot love God as He loves us. To pursue such a love from the human angle is pointless, it will get you nowhere. It is like attempting to draw a four sided triangle. A four sided triangle is impossible to draw. Try it and all you will get will be squares. Perhaps the closest human love can get to loving God as he loves us is in our gratefulness towards Him. God you make me uneasy, and I am not alone, there is a passage in Exodus that has always been a favorite of mine. In a nutshell, God has "come down" to speak with the Hebrews directly. They have purified themselves, washed their clothes, and no one in the camp has had sex for three days in preparation for encountering the Lord, this is the aftermath,

^18-19 All the people, experiencing the thunder and lightning, the trumpet blast and the smoking mountain, were afraid—they pulled back and stood at a distance. They said to Moses, "You speak to us and we'll listen, but don't have God speak to us or we'll die."²⁰ Moses spoke to the people: "Don't be afraid. God has come to test you and instill a deep and reverent awe within you so that you won't sin." (Exodus 20:18-20, The Message)

Apparently the Israelites had their own uneasiness when confronted by God and His Holiness. I understand that we live by faith now, and should approach the throne of grace boldly, and yet, I can't shake the image of an awe inspiring God. Awe is a mixture of fear and wonder, and it is perfectly fine to feel where God is concerned. However, the issue is not my awe of God, but my uneasiness with Him.

As we cannot love God as He loves us, this intensifies the unease we may feel in a relationship to the eternal. He loves us with loving-kindness, we love Him with an imperfect love. God makes me uneasy, and I am surprised that more people don't share this feeling, indeed, it seems to be the exception. This isn't "fun" God, or a Jesus action figure(those were pretty cool), nor is this the God that gives us everything we want, this is Yahweh Lord of the Angel Armies, Yahweh Sabaoth "The LORD Almighty" or "He who musters armies", Christ Pantocrator (ruler of all), this is not God the puppet who will keep us from doing those things which we may find unpleasant. This is the Jesus who calls us to crucifixion. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, "When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die(see my earlier post on Bonhoeffer to see why he would understand this very well)." People usually get really hyped up when the preacher says something along those lines, but pensive contemplation is more fitting. Jesus wrestled with the cross before facing God's will, i.e. His death on the cross. As Mark Galli points out in his book "Jesus Mean and Wild","This is not Jesus "meek and mild" of the infamous Wesley hymn. This is Jesus the consuming fire, the raging storm, who seems bent on destroying everything in his path, who either shocks people into stupification or frightens them so that they run for their lives. This divinity we had thought was under lock and key and confined to the Old Testament. But to find him roaming the pages of the Testament of love and forgiveness-well!" C.s. Lewis used a lion(Aslan) to parallel Christ in his Chronicles of Narnia, a famous passage represents relays how Lewis thought of God,

"Is he...quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion!"

"That you will deary and no mistake", said Mrs.Beaver. "If there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."

"Then he isn't safe?", said Lucy.

"Safe?", said Mr.Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs.Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe.....but he's good. He's the King I tell you." - The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

Perhaps some of us have to fight longer than others, perhaps some are more honest concerning their struggle, or probably some make it more difficult than it has to be. A combination of these factors is more likely. God is good, but He isn't safe. The cross isn't a safe place to be.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." -Matthew 16:24

If I had my way I would reject Christ. Not in the sense of being an apostate outright, "I don't believe in God", but I mean I would do what I wished to do. Eventually though that would have the same effect, to a falling away from God. Like Peter I would begin with good intention, "I'll never betray my lord!" and time and time again I would betray Him. And I have. However, I believe that He has given me the desires of my heart. I do not mean that I have everything I want, rather, on some level, God is re-directing my desires. Not all of them I assure you, but He plants the seed that becomes a mighty tree.

"But when you see how important it is to you to have His friendship, and how much He loves you, you must rise above the pain of being so much in the company of One who is so different from you." -The Life of St. Teresa of Avila by Herself

God's love overcomes the deficiency of our own love. Where our love is weak, His is powerful, where ours is unstable, His is steady, ours changes, His is eternal. He offers us the only chance at unfailing love, and indeed, at making our own love eternal, "such a love stands and does not fall with the variations in the object of love; it stands and falls with eternity's law, but therefore it never falls. Such a love is not dependent on this or that." His love overcomes our unease with Him, IF we are able to "rise above the pain of being so much in the company of One who is so different from you."

Such a love is independent because it is dependent on God alone. If the object of your love changes,blossoms, grows, so to will your love for them blossom, grow and die. Christian love never dies, because the one who loves us, and indeed, is the object of our love never dies. Love rooted in a being that is static, unchanging, immutable, this rooted love, will never fail. We will fail, He does not.

"Love never fails..." I Cor. 13:8

This obviously must refer to God's love, and those whose love is rooted in that same One, who is Love. Confronting such a pure love is devastating to the human ego, for we have found one who is better than us, who loves better than we ever could, and all the attention, all the love, is centered, and focused on that One. We are not the center, and this is why humility is a Christian virtue, it is not only a limiting of the value we give ourselves, it is giving God his proper place. Have you ever been in a room with someone you have little in common with, perhaps you don't even enjoy this persons company, and they are very much more important and popular than you? Suddenly you may feel left out of the loop, unimportant, a fifth wheel. This is what it is like to be around God, especially now that the One we perceive to be better than us, actually is. He is perfection itself, we cannot compare with Him the way we attempt to foolishly compare ourselves to others. Plato described such a feeling, comparing it to someone who has lived in a cave all of their life and is now forced into the harsh light of the sun(google "allegory of the cave" for more on this):

"If someone dragged him away from there by force along the rough, steep, upward way and didn't let him go before he had dragged him out into the light of the sun, wouldn't he be distressed and annoyed at being so dragged? And when he came to the light, wouldn't he have his eyes full of its beam and be unable to see even one of the things now said to be true?" The Republic, book VII

Being dragged out into the light of His majesty, all my faults are visible. My sins stand next to me, as real as I am; an army I commanded, now turned against me. I am but a mere shade, and His glory passes through my feeble shadow of a body. His radiance pierces my very being, illuminating every fractured, out of place piece. It hurts. His voice thunders, and falls back on itself in a never ending cacophony, mixing with the uproar of angels singing in their harsh voices. My sins are mountains, my good deeds pebbles.

His light makes my own faults visible. I can see no one else's. I can make no comparison to another whose sin I believe to be worse, I cannot scoff and say, "Well at least I didn't do that." The uneasiness I feel is my own inadequacy I feel when confronted by the infinite. Perhaps I will always feel this way when confronted with God. This is not humility, this is the logical conclusion to my very real sin when I stand before a holy God. This is the reason for humility.

Imagine you have two cars, exactly the same. Except one was missing a tire. Both are still cars, although only one is able to participate fully in "car-ness", that is, being able to do what a car was designed for. Sin interferes with our purpose, with what we were designed to do- "to glorify God, and to enjoy him for ever". Sin breeds fear apart from a reverential awe. We fear God, yet as his children we should not be afraid of Him. He is not abusive. The uneasiness I feel is perhaps what the car missing a tire would feel if it could. It has failed at it's purpose. Not once, but a multitude of times-including every second it was without a tire. My continued rebellion leaves me having failed at participating fully in the kingdom, and with God. I am incomplete and cannot do what I should. A car with three wheels needs to be either in a scrapyard or in an auto shop, not a busy highway.

"I can say I know from experience, namely that however sinful a man may be, he should not abandon prayer once he has begun it. It is the means by which all may be repaired again, and without it amendment would be much more difficult. Let him not be persuaded by the devil, as I was, to give up out of humility. Let him believe rather that his words are true..." -The Life of St. Teresa of Avila by Herself

"It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks" Acts 9:5-6

Sleeping with Idols.

this blog was inspired by a friend's simple thought. Any quotations with no author cited are from Kierkegaard's "Works of Love".

“…preserve the secret faith for yourself, even though you hope and desire and work that every one may do as you do…you shall use ingenuity in order to protect the secret of faith in you, guarding yourself against men.”

The secret of faith is the individual’s relation to the divine cannot be shared by anyone else and should be treasured above all. There is a difference between the secret and the sacred. The marriage bed is not secret, everyone is aware of what occurs, at least in general sense. It is however, sacred. The individual’s relating to the divine is sacred in this way as well. We know that prayer is involved, and is perhaps the very key. However, if this prayer is not from the heart it is worthless. By this I do not mean that one cannot use prayers written by another, for if one reads them seriously they become their own prayers. We should however, avoid repetition where we attempt to use the words to twist God's arm. I have a prayer book from World War II that I use for myself time to time, but I always strive to make the words speak for me when I read them.

Whoring after other gods was a charge often leveled at the Israelites. And when you take other gods to bed as it were, there is a profaning of the sacred.What was a sacred relationship between God and the individual, has now been given to another. What was a sacred relating of beings(Being and beings actually i think) has now been relegated to a one sided seeking of self-fulfilling desires. This is spiritual adultery as it were.

It is my opinion that we are careful in our analogies however. The analogy of the marriage bed and therefore intimacy is a powerful one, however, more important things happen on the marriage bed than sex. A relationship can survive without sexual intimacy, however strained it may be, but what is lethal to a relating of people is lack of knowledge and communication and care concerning the other person. So many Christians pursue the “sexual” experience of God-that powerful, pleasurable, dare I say orgasmic prayer experience that empties us of self and is quite cathartic. However, two people truly begin to know each other when they can communicate across the borders of their respective selves. The most pleasurable experiences have to do with communication- and before someone screams “SEX FEELS GOOD” at me, let me say that if a sexual experience between spouses was pleasurable it was because they were able to communicate their desires to one another and receive what they desired in the way they desired it. Communication rules relationships.

There is an “originality of faith” an individual must have in order to be in relationship to the divine; this is a faith held and believed not because someone before you believed, or told you to, “but because this man has been seized by that which has seized countless men before him, yet not thereby in a less original way!” This is often referred to as ‘owning your faith’ and it is crucial if you indeed wish to be a Christian. This is the secret of faith that is sacred, the originality of faith the individual holds because this faith is indeed their own, given to them by God himself,for who can come lest he first be called?

This does not mean that we are unable to share our faith. We are able to share our faith while keeping our relationship with the eternal sacred and behind a thick veil. No one but ourselves is allowed past that veil to the Holy of Holies. This is perhaps why certain forms of judgment are prohibited, it is an intrusion in the relationship of another individual and God. If I were make an improper judgement it may interfere with how God was handling the very issue I pointed out, and have made even more complicated by doing so. Of course, scripture is clear that sin must be addressed, some judgements must be made, still let us be cautious in them so as not to disturb the secret chambers of another. How do we violate our own relationship with God? It is simple. “…to have the highest good in a sort of indifferent fellowship, in the indolence of habit…” Indolence wants to avoid exertion, going through the motions to keep appearances up-to yourself or whomever. To hold your faith in such a way is to turn your faith to sand, which slips past your fingers the tighter you grasp it. It profanes the sacred. I can’t help but to see in my minds eye, the man who holds his faith indolently as one who mocks God. Scripture paints a portrait of this, “When they had twisted a crown thorns, they put it on his head, and a reed in his right hand. And they bowed the knee before Him and mocked Him saying, “Hail, King of the Jews!” Then they spat on Him and took the reed and struck Him on the head.” –Matthew 27:29-30

Lazy, habitual faith mocks God. It has all the elements of worship and adoration, but they are as twisted as the crown of thrones pressed onto his head. Do we take Christ to church dressed up in a fine purple robe, only to rip it off Him when we leave the gathering of believers? We must have a truly original faith (as contemporaries with Christ, which is whole ‘nother thought!). When our faith is indolent, that is when we take other gods to bed with us. That is when we gratify ourselves. Because our faith is held lightly, and is really of use to us, we feel free to discard it like a robe that covered our nakedness and we take other lovers. This profanes the sacred, you see, we are sacred by our relationship to God. Taking other lovers, whether they be other gods or someone not our spouse profanes our sacred relationship to the divine and ourselves for we are part of Him. It could be argued I believe that sleeping with someone not your spouse is equal to idolatry, because now you have profaned your relationship, your unity with God by expressing devotion to someone other than God. This is also known as worship, hence idolatry. Perhaps idolatry and adultery are very closely related then.

"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body...Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in(relationship to) you, whom you received from God?" I Corinthians 6:15,16,19

The final and most dangerous attribute of indolent faith is it’s lack of staying power, because it has no share with the eternal. “Elisha said, "Get a bow and some arrows," and he did so. "Take the bow in your hands," he said to the king of Israel. When he had taken it, Elisha put his hands on the king's hands. "Open the east window," he said, and he opened it. "Shoot!" Elisha said, and he shot. "The LORD's arrow of victory, the arrow of victory over Aram!" Elisha declared. "You will completely destroy the Arameans at Aphek." Then he said, "Take the arrows," and the king took them. Elisha told him, "Strike the ground." He struck it three times and stopped. The man of God was angry with him and said, "You should have struck the ground five or six times; then you would have defeated Aram and completely destroyed it. But now you will defeat it only three times." 2 Chronicles 13:15-19

Indolent faith cannot contain Christian love, because Christian love is perpetual due to its being grounded in the eternal. Indolent faith will never last. Indeed, it has no hope, only desires grounded in self fulfillment. It may seem to be victorious over a period of time, but it will not last. God would never give us such a faith because that sort of faith can never work redemption in us. Our faith must be original to us, and held by us, as a sacred thing shared and yet sacred. Let it not be made useless by foolish repetitions as Jeremiah warned those who thought that destruction would never happen to them because the temple was in their city. Just as God allowed that temple was destroyed, he will allow us to be destroyed if we sleep with other gods.