A sort of Humility.

I wish I were the first human, so all my thoughts would be wholly original! Think of it, you are the first person, ever! Every thought is open to you, the great founder of human thought! How sweet it would be. Of course, being the first human you would have no one else's thoughts to influence and shape your own. So your thoughts may resemble more an "ugh" than anything we would recognize as language. You may not have any thoughts beyond survival, if you are busy trying to get food, store food, make shelter, clothes, etc. there is very little down time left for thinking. So perhaps this is why so many of our ancestors didn't leave us with profound thought. They left us their genes, which was enough.

Lately I have been dissatisfied with my own thoughts, none of them are original. I read a friend's blog post(http://aliciahudson.posterous.com/) and her thought sparked my own thoughts, which were based on the ideas of Kierkegaard. In either direction my thoughts were not original but stemmed from other sources. Discouraging for me. I realize I'll never be a Plato, Kierkegaard or Frege, but I wanted to be able to have some sort of thought that hadn't been dominated or originated by anyone else.

But this isn't a real hope. Even the great philosophers ideas take root or are a response to the ideas of someone else. Many such ideas wouldn't seem to be possible without interacting with the ideas of others. I benefited greatly from an Introduction to Philosophy class. It broadened my thinking and introduced me to exciting new ideas to support these "new" thoughts.

Not being an "original thinker" isn't so bad. I have an entire history of thought that I will never get to, let alone comprehend, and by men and women who surpass me in both understanding and I.Q. Perhaps what I am learning is a sort of humility. I will never understand it all, much as I may wish to. I will learn all that I can learn.

How I Met Bonhoeffer.

A personal hero of mine was a man I never had the privilege to meet. He was a German Lutheran pastor and theologian. As a part of the German Resistance, he openly resisted the Nazi movement. He was arrested because of his involvement with the Abwehr and an assassination attempt on Hitler. After a sunday service, he was led to his execution. Just weeks before the end of the war, his death was brutal. Stripped naked he was led to be hanged by a thin metal wire. A doctor present said this of the Pastor as he faced his death,

“I saw Pastor Bonhoeffer ... kneeling on the floor praying fervently to God. I was most deeply moved by the way this lovable man prayed, so devout and so certain that God heard his prayer. At the place of execution, he again said a short prayer and then climbed the few steps to the gallows, brave and composed. His death ensued after a few seconds. In the almost fifty years that I worked as a doctor, I have hardly ever seen a man die so entirely submissive to the will of God.”

He has had great impact on my life, yet i discovered him almost by accident. I was in Houston for a friends wedding, and afterwards the family was going to P.F. Changs, the parking lot of the Woodlands Mall was jammed, and we were obliged to take a rather long walk. Once inside the restaurant, and before everyone was still greeting one another, I realized that there we were one chair short. Being the only person there not related by blood, I decided to quietly take my leave and let them enjoy that happy moment as a family. I slipped out, and went to the Barnes & Noble I had seen across the street. I milled about, looking at this book and that. I had the feeling I sometimes get in bookstore where I feel as if I must find a new book to take home with me. I wandered a bit aimlessly upstairs and saw the 'Christian Inspiration' section. It seemed as good a place as any to start, so I began perusing the shelves and titles. I was bored to death. Catchy covers, big words, and all sorts of promises.

(I'm not sure if the hand is folded in prayer, or outstretched for a "blessing")

Such books have little value to me, and I don't see much reason for sifting through the chaff attempting to find the kernel of wisdom which may or may not be present in such books. I did find some books of interest, the sort that basically promise to have you crucifying yourself by the end of the first chapter(in all seriousness my favorites), and I made my selection and made my way to the escalators. When I stumbled over a display table much like this one...

Just a table, perhaps to display books that have been shelved so long they are forgotten. It was here that I noticed a book simple in it's cover, and bold in it's title. "The Cost of Discipleship". For some reason I put my selection down and picked this book up instead. I am not one to have spiritual encounters often, and if I do I am usually skeptical. However, I do believe that I was directed to this book. I tucked it under my arm and went to a nearby Panera Bread where I slurped my soup from a bowl of bread(awesome), and I cracked open the book. His thoughts hit me so hard I took notes on the receipt. And I wasn't past the introduction yet.

When I began reading Chapter 1-Costly Grace, I didn't know what to make of it. It was so full of irony it was confusing at first. Here is a sample of what I mean,

"Grace alone does everything, they say, and so everything can remain as it was before. ' 'All for sin could not atone.' ' The world goes on in the same old way, and we are still sinners ' 'even in the best life' ' as Luther said. Well, then, let the Christian live like the rest of the world, let him model himself on the world's standards in every sphere of life, and not presumably aspire to live a different life under grace from his old life under sin. That was the heresy of the enthusiasts, the Anabaptists and their kind. Let the Christian beware of rebelling against the free and boundless grace of God and desecrating it. Let him not attempt to erect a new religion of the letter by endeavoring to live a life of obedience to the commandments of Jesus Christ!"

Of course, I had thought in a similar way all my life, of course, never this clearly, otherwise I would have become of it's contradictions much earlier. I never realized that I was placing Grace above Christ until I read this. When everything is permissible vis a vis grace, why follow Christ if all we need is grace? Surely there can be no Christ or commandments to follow, all we need is grace. Bonhoeffer in his first pages challenged my faulty understanding of grace, and corrected it in those same pages.

It seems that Bonhoeffer could whisper his words to me and my heart would be wounded by the truth and my mind enlightened by the same. A week or so ago, I was reading The Cost of Discipleship, and he read my mail from the grave.

"You are disobedient, you are trying to keep some part of your life under your own control. That is what is preventing you from listening to Christ and believing in his grace. You cannot hear Christ because you are willfully disobedient. Somewhere in your heart you are refusing to listen to his call. Your difficulty is your sins."

Above all, Bonhoeffer pushed me to realize that any dedication to follow Christ must be an all or nothing effort(not as if it were 'of ourselves' but as he says, "not as a consequence of our obedience, but the gift of him who commands obedience").

"First obey, perform the external work, renounce your attachments, give up the obstacles that separate you from the will of God. Do not say you have not got faith. You will not have it so long as you persist in disobedience and refuse to take the first step. Neither must you say that you have faith, and therefore there is no need for you to take the first step. You have not got faith as long and because you will not take the first step but become hardened in your unbelief under the guise of humble faith."

How can this not impact your life? Some of these of deceptively simple and extremely difficult to bring about in our own lives, precisely for the reasons Bonhoeffer cites.

"If you don't believe, take the first step, it leads to Jesus Christ. If you don't believe, take the first all the same, for you are bidden to take it. No one wants to know about your faith or unbelief, your orders are to perform the act of obedience on the spot. Then you will find yourself in the situation where faith becomes possible and where faith exists in the true sense of the word."

There are still rules to follow even in a relationship. "The gracious call of Jesus now becomes a stern command: Do this! Give up that! Leave the ship and come to me!"

I am trying very hard to leave the ship. One leg is thrown over the side, and the waves tickle my toes. Meanwhile, my arms desperately cling to the last vestige of safety they know. I am a man divided by desires at this moment. But I will continue to obey Christ as best I can so that I may come to the "situation where faith becomes possible and where faith exists in the true sense of the word." That is, outside of the boat, where Christ calls us to be.

"This is the end — for me the beginning of life." - Bonhoeffer, to a fellow prisoner before being led away to his execution.

Westminster Abbey, West Door, Four of the ten 20th Century- Mother Elizabeth of Russia, Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., Archbishop Oscar Romero, and Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

"You shall love", love as a duty.

I believe it safe to say that 'everyone' is familiar with Romeo and Juliet, at least the popular version where Mercutio sports a mini skirt, and everyone has guns! But there are other love stories just as powerful and endearing. I love Eric Clapton's Layla(aaaaaaaa!!!), and I was curious about what inspired the song. It is loosely based on the story of Layla and Majnun, an ancient Arabic love story where a well born young woman and a nomadic herder fall in love, but are not allowed to marry due to local custom. Layla is married, and Qays(aka Majnun) goes to the desert where he becomes insane and is called 'Majnun-e Layla' in the Persian version which means Layla's Madman. A poet put these words into Majnun's mouth,

"I pass by these walls, the walls of Layla

And I kiss this wall and that wall

It’s not Love of the houses that has taken my heart

But of the One who dwells in those houses"

-attributed to Qays bin al-Mullawah

I enjoy this sort of mushy story, and I am a hopeless romantic of sorts. I do try to hide this as best as possible(I have to keep my tough guy image ;). While we may not kiss walls,at one point or another, we have felt similarly. Love has a strong effect on us humans.

These and other love stories have a long history that stretches back to Roman times where Ovid wrote the story of Pyramus and Thisbe. These stories of course have strong effect on those who read them. Love stories are powerful for those who believe in love as an actual thing (and amazingly, even for those who believe it to be merely the expression of so many chemical reactions in the human body). Whatever you regard it as-intoxicating emotion or mere biochemistry-love seems fickle, and so powerful that it has often been associated with madness. Which makes some sense, how many young couples swear by their "love" and get married or what have you, and a few months later, they can't stand each other. Where did all that love go?

The most deceiving thing about the 'in love' experience is the perception we have of becoming less selfish. This is described by Dr. Scott Peck,

"...the temporary collapse of the ego boundaries that constitutes falling in love is a stereotypic response of human beings to a configuration of internal sexual drives and external sexual stimuli..."2

Now before you throw rocks at me and poke me with sticks, think about it. How does the in-love experience begin most often? With a look, hence love at "first sight". Of course how there be love at first glance if love is something unfailing? Surely there is attraction at first sight, but there is no love there. When I see a girl I find attractive there is no, "man I wish I knew her better" or what have you, there is a, "man she is so fine! Do you see her bro?!" I know nothing about her, at this point we have no relationship, so my attraction to her is basically sexual in nature. This doesn't mean that sex is the aim here, it may or may not be, but it is a big piece of this basic attraction that eventually(hopefully) love will come out of-not to say that Love is born out of sexual attraction, but rather, sprouting from the relationship and knowledge of the other person. The in-love experience deceives us in this regard. I think Gary Chapman says it well when he writes,

"We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was-a temporary emotional high-and how to pursue "real love" with our spouse. That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of will and requires discipline , and it recognizes the need for personal growth."

Self loves deceives us into believing that we altruistically seek to love someone else; as if by doing so we granted them a favor, when in reality our self love desires to be loved itself.

As a Christian I have always believe that the greatest love is self sacrificing love;

"the greatest love is shown when people lay down their lives for their friends."

John 15:13

My mother frequently told me she would, "Jump in front of a truck to push me out of the way" when I was young to illustrate the strength of her love. This scared me to no end as a child, "No mommy stay out of the street!" but I understood it at a base level. But how many times will we have to place our lives in the place of someone else's? Will we ever have the chance to take a flying leap in slow motion while we histrionically scream "NOOOOO-O-O-O-O-O-OOOOOO!" and take the bullet just in time? Hopefully not once. So how is love to be viewed, what does love look like, does it indeed last forever or is it only a passing thing that we should take advantage of and drink deeply from before it leaves us broken behind it?

"You Shall Love"

I wonder if we set ourselves up for failure when love itself dominates the relationship. When I say 'love' here I am really referring to a set of feelings that we have for a person, the beloved.

Some seem to live for the "in love" experience. That feeling of total bliss,

where nothing matters but the beloved. You can't get anything done because you are thinking

about them, you think of them and just float away into 'Lovesville', which is of course right next to 'Happytown'.

But 'Brokenheartsville' isn't far away either.

Why are their so many break up songs? It doesn't get more emotional than those songs (without slicing your wrists). Obviously something more is needed than the "love" emotion. Lasting love is disciplined and volitional. It is not spontaneous because it is commanded, and so it is a duty.

"You shall love your neighbor as yourself"

-Matthew 22:39

Duty is a part of love. That is, to love is a moral obligation.

"You shall love your neighbor as yourself." This is a command, this is a duty to be fulfilled faithfully by every Christian. This duty to love is directly linked to "the eternal", and so it does not change. While every other may blossom, this love does not because what blossoms must die. May I also digress a moment to point out that this duty to love is not for a beloved alone, but for 'neighbors'. Everyone around us. The limit of spontaneous love which holds a particular beloved in mind and heart is that,

"...such love is merely transient; it merely blossoms. This is precisely its weakness and tragedy, whether it blossoms for an hour or for seventy years-it merely blossoms; but Christian love is eternal." -Works of Love

Love as duty is disconcerting to many people. We seem to be caught up in the "poetic enthusiasm" of spontaneous love. We all want that crazy romance that catches us off guard and just flings us headlong into love! And yet we want this love for ourselves(and so this desire for love for ourselves reveals itself as a selfish love unfamiliar with Christianity which declares of love "it is not self-seeking"). Such a desire, and such a love, is not focused on the beloved but it is a deceiving self love. It seeks another self to love itself. Love as duty answers this question perfectly. You see, the command to Love does not do away with self love, but puts it in its correct place, much as glasses do not take the place of the eyes, as Kierkegaard explains,

"...if one must love his neighbor as himself, then the command, like a pick, wrenches open the lock of self love and thereby wrests it away from a man...This as yourself does not waver in it's aim, and with the firmness of the eternal it critically penetrates to the innermost hiding place where a man loves himself; it does not leave the slightest excuse or the tiniest escape hatch." -Works of Love

Scripture itself assumes that we love ourselves, and we are commanded to turn that strong love of self outward towards the rest of the world, this is a sacred duty of a Christian, "to love is duty. You shall love-this, then, is the word of the royal law."

Love is a duty, a (conscious)habit of virtue that must be chosen everyday. The in-love experience where we are totally obsessed with the beloved may be an illusion, but love is real. We must sacrifice the inner love of self so that we may able to demonstrate love to those external to ourselves, including other people and God.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

-I Corinthians 13:4-8,13

Learning to listen.

Have you ever made a decision that was difficult to make and to execute? It seems that you go from a land of milk and honey into a barren desert, where the flying sand scratches at your face, the ground swallows your every step and you must kick your feet free in order to take another step forward, and a brutal sun wrings the strength out of you. This is how my summer has felt. It has not been enjoyable, it has not been fun. But it has been a time of growth.

In October of 2009, I resigned from my position as a youth pastor for strong theological reasons I held and still hold. Soon after this my father endured several months of extreme pain before he was finally diagnosed with colon cancer and was admitted to a hospital immediately for an emergency procedure. We had been told it was merely an ulcer, but the night that my mother called me in and I grasped his hand as he writhed slowly in a sea of pain and didn't realize I was there even after I spoke, I knew something serious was wrong. He would call me into the room where he would be lying, and he would tell me make my life count for something, and he would rub his hands through my hair as we both wept. He would go to church when he could and in reality shouldn't have. People would crowd in to speak with their pastor for a few moments, never knowing the pain he was in, or how taxing this was. When he was admitted to a hospital later, his kidneys had begun to fail and the doctors were amazed at the pain he had endured.

After his recovery I got a job at The Home Depot which I was grateful for, but soon came to dread. Loading 300 bricks in Texas heat is no fun. I dreamed of escaping Dallas, if not Texas altogether. Finally I was able to get another job at a department store, so I was out of the heat, but still, thats no one's dream job. I waited for the fall and a new semester of school that would prove to be my salvation. I hated going to the church I had been a youth pastor at, I hated people coming up to me and saying, "Were praying for you". I hated it. They were just being nice and showing there concern and I ground my teeth at them. I avoided church and church people whenever I could, but I still loved "my kids" as I called them. The ones whom I had lead for two years. I would watch them worship at the front and secretly I beamed because they didn't need me to lead them to worship God. In youth service I would sit at the back and watch them pray with an amazing intensity. And I was proud of them because they didn't need me. I remember a situation that come up, and I remember my heart breaking for this girl I had lead and knew so well, I ached for her family who to this day are all close friends of mine. I remember how she would just weep when she prayed and the guilt was thick enough to breathe. And I sorrowed for her. I remember the note I put in the bible I gave her, and how I would notice her carrying it with her on sundays, it's edges newly worn from use. I would hang out and chat with some of the guys and we would laugh and cut up, or they would ask me questions that I would try my best to answer. I remember a few former students of mine coming to me privately and asking me when I would be back, or when I was going to teach again. This always broke my heart, and I never knew what to say to them. One night a youth staff member was going to make the drive to pick up those who had gone to summer camp, and when they asked me to drive since I knew the way, I didn't hesitate. In fact when they asked me to do this I had been at a youth function.

But still I yearned for an escape. I never stopped reading theology or philosophy for that matter, and in so many ways I grew as a Christian and as a person, but I still wanted to leave.

This past Friday night there was a youth function that I attended. I sat at the back, a little angry, and bitter to be sure. But this time was different from the start for reasons I still don't understand. People whose greetings I usually brushed off, instead I smiled a toothy smile and grabbed their hand in greeting. The pleasant shock on their face shocked me. But still I sat in the back. I began to pray, in the way I do often-very low, almost a whisper, with songs and periods of silence thrown in. The preacher spoke, and it didn't really impress me. But something moved in my thoughts. People had been up at the front praying for some time now, and I felt as if I should go up there and pray. Not because I was wrong, or had this terrible sin weighing me down, but because I needed to be humble before God. I struggled with this idea for a few minutes, then realized that although this was about me a little, not in the I'm-the-center-of-the-universe way but because it concerned me, but that this was really about God. Screw what people think when they see you up there praying. Who cares if they think 'the prodigal' has returned. Perhaps in a way they are right. So I went to pray publicly before my God, this was not an act of pride because there are few things less disagreeable with me than this. People will gather about me as they push and pull on me, some yelling "give up!" others, "hold on!"

It wasn't like that though. People did gather around me, but it was my former students who did it. I could hear them weeping over my own tears. Nothing clicked immediately with a pop, but the gears began to turn. I went home early, presumably because I had to work the next morning, but really it was because none of this made sense to me.

That sunday was the same thing. Almost. I felt as if I should go to the front during worship service, and after fighting it, I went. This time however, I didn't get away from the crazies. A very sincere man came and laid on me, praying in some sort of tongue, and then he whipped out his handy dandy jar of olive oil and put it smack dad on my forehead...

If that had happened a week ago, I would have been furious. Indeed, I was. Dood, why are you dumping freaking oil on my face?! In front of the entire church no less?! These were my initial thoughts. Then I focused on God and began to pray again, and new, alarming thoughts came to mind, "This makes no sense. I think it violates a decent and orderly service that focuses on God and not human distractions...however what if there is something to this? What if God has to have a crazy(albeit well intentioned and indeed good man) literally anoint you for you to realize that you have been chosen? Remember what Bonhoeffer wrote that struck you so powerfully? 'Peter could have stayed with his nets but if he wanted to believe in god the only was to follow the incarnate Son, and although Peter could not achieve his own conversion, he can leave his nets', remember that? The call is irresistible. Remember what Kierkegaard said about the man who truly experienced god? How afterward he would forever be changed, as Jacob limped for the rest of his days so to will you bear the mark of God on you. Maybe you are meant to be in Dallas, the one place you didn't want to be until right now."

I thought it was about freedom. I thought it was about being your own man and slashing your own path. I thought I could hit the mark alone.

"...a prudent man will always choose to take paths beaten by great men and to imitate those who have been especially admirable, in order that if his ability does not reach theirs, at least it may offer some suggestion of it; and he will act like prudent archers, who, seeing that the mark they plan to hit is too far away and knowing what space can be covered by the power of their bows, take an aim much higher than their mark, not in order to reach with their arrows so great a height, but to be able, with the aid of so high an aim, to attain their purpose." Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince

I am no Odysseus, for no matter how hard I strive, I cannot even bend the bow to string it. I cannot go at it alone. I must accept my call and the it's roll in this local community of believers. Details will come later perhaps. I don't know where this will take me, but I do believe that God lead this happen to teach me lesson in months what otherwise may have taken years.

I see my father through different eyes. I always loved him, but now i see him as a great man. I can pick him up like a twig, but he is still the strongest man I know. He carries things that would crush me easily and immediately. And although we have our share of disagreements, I am proud of my father. Proud to be able to call him that as well.

Awake and aware.

In George Orwell's dystopia, "1984" there are three basic social structures-inner party, outer party, and the proles. The inner and outer party are made up of intellectuals and desk jockeys, feeding the propaganda machine that is the party(Big Brother is watching after all!). Monitored 24/7 via double broadcasting telescreens, a party members doesn't have a life we would recognize-we would say that they don't have a "life of their own". Everything is party centered, you must have approval of the party to marry(and no matches are made for love!), members have no free sex lives, and must spend even free time at party functions, rallies, and the sort. There is literally no time for private reflection or thought. The protagonist of the story,Winston(a member of the outer party) had great difficulty even putting his thoughts to paper(there are no laws here as we know them, there are offenses punishable by death however, reading a book or writing a journal are such offenses!).

"For some time he gazed stupidly at the paper...It was curious that he seemed not merely to have lost the power of expressing himself, but even to have forgotten what it was that he had originally intended to say."

Numbed by this constant action members of the party many are completely grabbed by an eternal NOW, with no sense of history-except what the party tells them(this in fact is a HUGE part of the novel). This eternal now, and an utter lack of history due to constant revisions by the party(basically changing documents etc. to make it seem as if the party has never been wrong about anything), robs party members of original thought. In an underground cantina, Winston overhears a conversation and this is what he perceives,

"...his spectacles caught the light and presented to Winston two blank disks instead of eyes. What was slightly horrible was that from the stream of sound that poured out of his mouth, it was almost impossible to distinguish a single word...it was just a noise, a quack-quack-quacking...Winston had a curious feeling that this was not a real human being but some kind of dummy. It was not the man's brain that was speaking; it was his larynx. The stuff that was coming out of him consisted of words, but it was not speech in the true sense: it was a noise uttered in unconsciousness, like the quacking of a duck."

There was no meaning to what the "dummy" said, because there was no thought behind it. He was only parroting, vomiting words that he has been told, but with no comprehension as to what it means. This is the destruction of what C.s. Lewis called, "... the traditional moralities of East and West, the Christian, the Pagan, and the Jew..." The main difference is that Lewis envisioned 'men without chests' are still be "intellectual" in his vision of a future dystopia, but here we see a man without mind, and as mind contains what we call the "heart", we also see a man without a chest.

"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function." -C.s. Lewis, The Abolition of Man

Keeping a journal was one of the most difficult intellectual exercises I have undertaken, to find time first of all to describe your day is hard on its own, and then you either remember too much or too little. But when I go back over it and read it, I am always thankful that I wrote what I did. I would encourage everyone to keep a record of your thoughts of some sort, engage your mind. It's not enough to just read passively, the reader must use the thoughts presented to him.

The society we inhabit is no where near the stratification of that presented in 1984 , yet how often do we slip into that eternal now where everything melts away into a stream of consciousness(if indeed it may be called that), including independent thought? The best defense to prevent a real life 1984 is independent thought and feeling. Lets cultivate that.

And still, for my Christian readers, we must realize that we have an enemy worse than any totalitarian government. Indeed, he seeks to found such 'governments' in ourselves, with 'king me' in control. This is a disaster because if we are our own kings, there is one ruler and one slave, ourself. Therefore while we "rule" we are slaves. Let us be aware of this, and realize that we may only be free when we relinquish our sovereignty to the eternal one.

While Peter thought on the vision, the Spirit said unto him, Behold, three men seek thee.

Acts 10:19

Remember that it was as Peter "thought" on the vision that the spirit spoke to him. Let us think and be awake and aware.

Therefore let us not sleep, as [do] others; but let us watch and be sober.

I Thessalonians 5:6