Courtly Love, alias, The Game and Reconciliation With It.

In the south of Medieval France a new sort of human relationship was born, courtly love. It is a highly conventionalized sort of love between a married noble woman and a knight; this love was regarded as noble passion and in theory was unconsummated. Courtly love is made up of two parties, the lover, who some call the idolizer, and the mistress of his affection, often she is already married. The idolizer seeks to win his chosen ladies' approval by brave deeds and passing tests to prove his mettle and love. He tries to make himself worthy, realizing that she has no true need for him, she is independent of him. I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T as the rap song says. Indeed, throughout courtly love we see men putting women in a position of power over them, at least in word. They adopt the language of Feudalism, calling their mistress their "lord", proclaiming themselves her "vassal". Often the wife of a Lord had responsibility of the manor house or castle whenever he was away, and this could be frequent depending on conditions, season, and campaigning. Many such wives would have powerful positions, financially and culturally. Such a woman was a prize, and winning her, even if only for an emotional affair, was perhaps it's own reward. The chase was the mean and the ends.

"...they(unmarried sons of nobility) had no problems at all finding outlets for their lust among the many prostitutes, servants, and bastards associated with any great household or among the peasantry, whose daughters they could force to submit whenever they pleased. But such prey was too easy. Glory belonged to the ingenious knight who managed to seduce and possess a woman of quality(http://employees.oneonta.edu/farberas/ARTH/arth214_folder/courtly_love_.html retrieved 3/15/2011)."

However, "courtly love from the start is deceptive in its insistence that the woman has power and control and the man is subservient. And later, once the rose is plucked, the game will be over(http://www.wsu.edu/~delahoyd/medieval/rose.html retrieved 3/15/2011) ."

That is "The Game", when in earnest it is seduction-as-Play, but in casual situations it is flirting. It is not a bad thing, it is a human thing, and even those who detest "The Game" the loudest have played it without knowing it. There is no winning in this game, there are, or course, conquests, both emotional and sexual, but to see these as "winning" is to adopt an extremely shallow view of winning. Of course we all know Charlie Sheen is an "unemployed winner", so perhaps the definition of "winning" is being re-worked(#TigerBlood).

Similarities between Courtly Love and "The Game" can easily be seen in a list of stages of Courtly Love put down by Barbara Tuchman:

• Attraction to the lady, usually via eyes/glance
• Worship of the lady from afar
• Declaration of passionate devotion
• Virtuous rejection by the lady
• Renewed wooing with oaths of virtue and eternal fealty
• Moans of approaching death from unsatisfied desire (and other physical manifestations of lovesickness)
• Heroic deeds of valor which win the lady's heart

It is a merry chase. But what's to be done when the chase ends? Therein lies the rub. You go fishing, but really you wanted a hamburger, not a filet-O-fish; "...once the rose is plucked, the game will be over." Perhaps that is why so often it was unrequited and remained always a merry chase.

I have no beef with "The Game". You play at your own risk, although it doesn't have to be an unpleasant thing, some just make the mistake of taking it seriously. And that is exactly my issue with it. "The Game" is not a relationship. Obviously, it can lead to a relationship, but a merry chase is an attempt at connecting. But relationship is a way of bonding. Chances are, you will have to play "The Game". Be sure to keep your guard up, remember, it is not a relationship. It isn't a time of true trust, it is a fencing match, a war of wits even. This is not the time to reveal the real you completely, that is for a relationship. The problem is that we confuse "The Game" for relationship in my opinion. Someone expresses (the slightest) interest in us, and *BANG* we are in. We think we are in the beginning stages of relationship, when in reality, we are just in "The Game". Huge difference. Be wary of those professionals, "Gamers". They know all the rules, and often do not realize they are not engaging in communication in relationship, but only interacting with other potential mates via "The Game". These aren't bad people mind you, they are perhaps people who don't know how to act when someone gives them their heart after three phone conversations. Can't blame them for that. Help yourself by learning the rules of "The Game" and keeping in mind the difference between relationships and "Gaming". If you know the difference both of them will be much richer and more rewarding.


"The Game" is not a relationship. It is an attempt at one at best, a mockery of one at worst. But ya gotta suit up and play. The secret is knowing when to stop playing, and begin relating. A lot of people never figure this out.

Post Script

I have had many unpleasant experiences with "The Game". Being an only child, and more social rock than butterfly, I often mistook "Gaming" for relationships. The result was mass confusion, anger, and bitterness. If I had known the difference I could have relaxed, taken a breath or two and just played right back. It is normal social interaction. Remember that. Most of the time people aren't being two faced as much as you are misunderstanding them, "The Game" and relationship. Remember, the best way to take rejection is to keep on moving. When you get stuck is when you stagnate, so, on to the next one.