Is there an emotional feeling worse than that of rejection? The rejection doesn't have to be "hard", even "soft" rejections can be quite difficult(exhibit A "Let's just be friends"). When you love someone with a love different from the sort of love they have for you it can be unpleasant. While they may indeed love you, it is more of a friendship sort of love. While your love for them is an actual "being in love", they are unable to return that love to you because they do not have the same love to give. I was dating a girl, many, many years ago. I forget the occasion, but she gave me a $50.00 gift certificate to Barnes&Noble. And I sheepishly handed her a stuffed easter bunny. Not cool. Just as the literal gifts given in my little story weren't equal, when our love for each other is not equal this makes for a uneasy relationship. This is why "friendlationships" can be so awkward, and often spell the end of the friendship. One may have romantic feelings, while the other has affection only as a friend, finding a balance until one relents is difficult to do. An unbalance of love is painful, because what you give is not given in return. This has had an enormous effect on my relating to the divine, because I feel a similar discomfort when confronted by a Holy God.
My relationship with God has always been somewhat of a struggle. Either I have combated Him, or He has sought to teach me some lesson I did not wish to learn. I will spend large amounts of time ignoring Him, at least in my own soul, while I devote time to understanding Him intellectually(thought vs. actual or "the lived"). This is sort of a contradiction of course, and quite an unpleasant one. I never had difficulty being open towards Him, it was getting to that point of surrender that I have difficulty with. Then I came across these words in my reading,
"Now if love is to be true and friendship lasting, certain conditions are necessary. On the Lord's side, as we know, these cannot fail, but our nature is wicked, sensual, and ungrateful. Therefore you cannot succeed in loving Him as He loves you, since it is not in your nature to do so." -The Life of St. Teresa of Avila by Herself
I have often asked myself, and God, how am I to love God as He loves me? I was at Israel Houghton's conference in Houston this past month, and I remember standing in the back and asking God, "how am I to love you as you love me?" I thought there was an unwritten rule somewhere that said we must love God as He loves us. My best love is not the same a God's perfect love. Not even close. My love of God does not have to perfect because neither myself, nor my love is perfect. Therefore I must rely on His perfect love and not my own; although my love must be aligned as much as possible with His to make this love live able. We cannot love God as He loves us. To pursue such a love from the human angle is pointless, it will get you nowhere. It is like attempting to draw a four sided triangle. A four sided triangle is impossible to draw. Try it and all you will get will be squares. Perhaps the closest human love can get to loving God as he loves us is in our gratefulness towards Him. God you make me uneasy, and I am not alone, there is a passage in Exodus that has always been a favorite of mine. In a nutshell, God has "come down" to speak with the Hebrews directly. They have purified themselves, washed their clothes, and no one in the camp has had sex for three days in preparation for encountering the Lord, this is the aftermath,
18-19 All the people, experiencing the thunder and lightning, the trumpet blast and the smoking mountain, were afraid—they pulled back and stood at a distance. They said to Moses, "You speak to us and we'll listen, but don't have God speak to us or we'll die."20 Moses spoke to the people: "Don't be afraid. God has come to test you and instill a deep and reverent awe within you so that you won't sin." (Exodus 20:18-20, The Message)
Apparently the Israelites had their own uneasiness when confronted by God and His Holiness. I understand that we live by faith now, and should approach the throne of grace boldly, and yet, I can't shake the image of an awe inspiring God. Awe is a mixture of fear and wonder, and it is perfectly fine to feel where God is concerned. However, the issue is not my awe of God, but my uneasiness with Him.
As we cannot love God as He loves us, this intensifies the unease we may feel in a relationship to the eternal. He loves us with loving-kindness, we love Him with an imperfect love. God makes me uneasy, and I am surprised that more people don't share this feeling, indeed, it seems to be the exception. This isn't "fun" God, or a Jesus action figure(those were pretty cool), nor is this the God that gives us everything we want, this is Yahweh Lord of the Angel Armies, Yahweh Sabaoth "The LORD Almighty" or "He who musters armies", Christ Pantocrator (ruler of all), this is not God the puppet who will keep us from doing those things which we may find unpleasant. This is the Jesus who calls us to crucifixion. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, "When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die(see my earlier post on Bonhoeffer to see why he would understand this very well)." People usually get really hyped up when the preacher says something along those lines, but pensive contemplation is more fitting. Jesus wrestled with the cross before facing God's will, i.e. His death on the cross. As Mark Galli points out in his book "Jesus Mean and Wild","This is not Jesus "meek and mild" of the infamous Wesley hymn. This is Jesus the consuming fire, the raging storm, who seems bent on destroying everything in his path, who either shocks people into stupification or frightens them so that they run for their lives. This divinity we had thought was under lock and key and confined to the Old Testament. But to find him roaming the pages of the Testament of love and forgiveness-well!" C.s. Lewis used a lion(Aslan) to parallel Christ in his Chronicles of Narnia, a famous passage represents relays how Lewis thought of God,
"Is he...quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion!"
"That you will deary and no mistake", said Mrs.Beaver. "If there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?", said Lucy.
"Safe?", said Mr.Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs.Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe.....but he's good. He's the King I tell you." - The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.
Perhaps some of us have to fight longer than others, perhaps some are more honest concerning their struggle, or probably some make it more difficult than it has to be. A combination of these factors is more likely. God is good, but He isn't safe. The cross isn't a safe place to be.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." -Matthew 16:24
If I had my way I would reject Christ. Not in the sense of being an apostate outright, "I don't believe in God", but I mean I would do what I wished to do. Eventually though that would have the same effect, to a falling away from God. Like Peter I would begin with good intention, "I'll never betray my lord!" and time and time again I would betray Him. And I have. However, I believe that He has given me the desires of my heart. I do not mean that I have everything I want, rather, on some level, God is re-directing my desires. Not all of them I assure you, but He plants the seed that becomes a mighty tree.
"But when you see how important it is to you to have His friendship, and how much He loves you, you must rise above the pain of being so much in the company of One who is so different from you." -The Life of St. Teresa of Avila by Herself
God's love overcomes the deficiency of our own love. Where our love is weak, His is powerful, where ours is unstable, His is steady, ours changes, His is eternal. He offers us the only chance at unfailing love, and indeed, at making our own love eternal, "such a love stands and does not fall with the variations in the object of love; it stands and falls with eternity's law, but therefore it never falls. Such a love is not dependent on this or that." His love overcomes our unease with Him, IF we are able to "rise above the pain of being so much in the company of One who is so different from you."
Such a love is independent because it is dependent on God alone. If the object of your love changes,blossoms, grows, so to will your love for them blossom, grow and die. Christian love never dies, because the one who loves us, and indeed, is the object of our love never dies. Love rooted in a being that is static, unchanging, immutable, this rooted love, will never fail. We will fail, He does not.
"Love never fails..." I Cor. 13:8
This obviously must refer to God's love, and those whose love is rooted in that same One, who is Love. Confronting such a pure love is devastating to the human ego, for we have found one who is better than us, who loves better than we ever could, and all the attention, all the love, is centered, and focused on that One. We are not the center, and this is why humility is a Christian virtue, it is not only a limiting of the value we give ourselves, it is giving God his proper place. Have you ever been in a room with someone you have little in common with, perhaps you don't even enjoy this persons company, and they are very much more important and popular than you? Suddenly you may feel left out of the loop, unimportant, a fifth wheel. This is what it is like to be around God, especially now that the One we perceive to be better than us, actually is. He is perfection itself, we cannot compare with Him the way we attempt to foolishly compare ourselves to others. Plato described such a feeling, comparing it to someone who has lived in a cave all of their life and is now forced into the harsh light of the sun(google "allegory of the cave" for more on this):
"If someone dragged him away from there by force along the rough, steep, upward way and didn't let him go before he had dragged him out into the light of the sun, wouldn't he be distressed and annoyed at being so dragged? And when he came to the light, wouldn't he have his eyes full of its beam and be unable to see even one of the things now said to be true?" The Republic, book VII
Being dragged out into the light of His majesty, all my faults are visible. My sins stand next to me, as real as I am; an army I commanded, now turned against me. I am but a mere shade, and His glory passes through my feeble shadow of a body. His radiance pierces my very being, illuminating every fractured, out of place piece. It hurts. His voice thunders, and falls back on itself in a never ending cacophony, mixing with the uproar of angels singing in their harsh voices. My sins are mountains, my good deeds pebbles.
His light makes my own faults visible. I can see no one else's. I can make no comparison to another whose sin I believe to be worse, I cannot scoff and say, "Well at least I didn't do that." The uneasiness I feel is my own inadequacy I feel when confronted by the infinite. Perhaps I will always feel this way when confronted with God. This is not humility, this is the logical conclusion to my very real sin when I stand before a holy God. This is the reason for humility.
Imagine you have two cars, exactly the same. Except one was missing a tire. Both are still cars, although only one is able to participate fully in "car-ness", that is, being able to do what a car was designed for. Sin interferes with our purpose, with what we were designed to do- "to glorify God, and to enjoy him for ever". Sin breeds fear apart from a reverential awe. We fear God, yet as his children we should not be afraid of Him. He is not abusive. The uneasiness I feel is perhaps what the car missing a tire would feel if it could. It has failed at it's purpose. Not once, but a multitude of times-including every second it was without a tire. My continued rebellion leaves me having failed at participating fully in the kingdom, and with God. I am incomplete and cannot do what I should. A car with three wheels needs to be either in a scrapyard or in an auto shop, not a busy highway.
"I can say I know from experience, namely that however sinful a man may be, he should not abandon prayer once he has begun it. It is the means by which all may be repaired again, and without it amendment would be much more difficult. Let him not be persuaded by the devil, as I was, to give up out of humility. Let him believe rather that his words are true..." -The Life of St. Teresa of Avila by Herself
"It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks" Acts 9:5-6
3 comments:
May i use some of these referances? I love this... it is beautiful and something i have been contemplating for a very long time. It is strange to think of, how corrupt the human nature, and how pure and... unmeasurable God's love is. Thank you for the referances and such wonderful thought-provoking sentiments.
Of course! Just please introduce yourself, and send me a copy of what you write(please), as I would absolutely love to read it!
-hayden/kaamos
My blog is http://vena-amoris28.blogspot.com/
It may seem silly and very un-organized but maybe someone will enjoy it.
Post a Comment